How to booty call a guy

If you have read my previous blogs on booty calls, then you’re well aware of my thoughts on them.  However, “how to booty call a guy” seems to be a key search term to find my blog so I might as well answer it.

In general, I’m against booty calls and I advocate taking a lover if you really aren’t looking for a relationship, you just want your itch scratched.  However, as a modern woman, I do realize that sometimes that itch does get quite, er, persistent.  So it’s best to have a game plan.

  1. Choose your target wisely.  You don’t want this to be a good friend (very very messy) or a guy you’d want a relationship with (you can’t change the dynamic once it’s established).  Obviously there needs to be some attraction but also a degree of safety, both in terms of health and security.  Remember, most guys will tell you what you want to hear rather than the cold, hard truth.
  2. Get his phone number.  You could email him but then you’ll spend a tense few hours waiting for him to respond while your head goes through any number of ludicrous theories as to why he hasn’t written back.  Oh, and most guys aren’t going to find it quite as creepy as girls do if you just happen to get their phone number from a friend, their social media page, or even a directory.
  3. Pick your time.  Are you scheduling your booty call?  It risks sounding like a date.  Are you dialing at midnight?  You risk him not being available.  Try to figure out what type of guy he is before determining when to approach it.  If you’re looking for an easy A, I recommend that you go for the studious type over the stud type, at least the first time out.
  4. Decide what you’re going to say.  This is not the time to stumble about verbally.  You want to be suave, not sweating.  Keep it short and direct without being vulgar.  If words fail you, you an always use the international code for booty call.  Ask the question, then wait for a response.  Do not fill in the silence with mindless prattle or your top ten list of why he should say yes.  He might be in shock, give him a chance to process it and formulate a response.
  5. If he rejects you, put on your big girl panties and suck it up.  For whatever reason, he’s not the guy.  Delete his number and move on.
  6. If he accepts (and it is shockingly easy to get a guy into bed – go figure), then you should have everything prepared ahead of time.  Have a good exit strategy and keep it vague (I have to work in the morning is pretty universal for you gotta go).  If you’re kind enough to let him stay overnight, I had a friend who used to prepare his booty calls breakfast, deliver it to them in bed, then tell them that their taxi would be there in about 30 minutes, prepaid of course.  What a gentleman!
  7. Afterward – do not be a clingy girl!  You slept with him.  He’s not your boyfriend.  He may or may not cuddle.  Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t call (in fact, keep the ball in your court – booty call him, do not allow him to booty call you!).  Instead, plan a girls night out to celebrate and share most, but not all, of the details…of how you did it.  Gosh, I would never instruct you to kiss and tell!

Direct from my desk – week 28

Unfortunately, there are some people out there who don’t like to take no for an answer.  This is more than the stereotypical puppy-love-yet-clueless-crush, this is out-and-out stalking.  If you do find yourself in this situation, there are a few things you can do to make the situation more tenable.  I can not stress enough getting local law enforcement involved!

  1. Start a file on the guy. On one sheet of paper, write down everything you know about the guy – name, address, phone number, place of work, frequent haunts, any and all details you have about him. Add photos if you have them.
  2. On another sheet of paper, start a contact log. Include dates, times and locations. Start with what’s happened previous (how you met the guy) and any previous contacts. It’s tedious but try to do them each separately rather than just a giant narrative. Update this log every time he contacts.
  3. Contact the police and schedule an appointment. Tell them the story, show them the file. They’ll probably say that they don’t have enough information to do anything about it yet. That’s okay – the point is to let the police know what’s going on. Ask them exactly what the laws are in your country/state/province so that you know when he crosses the line and if it is actionable. Get two of the officer’s business card – keep one in the file (I suggest stapling it to the inside front cover) and keep one on your fridge.
  4. If you have enough evidence, file for a restraining order. Be careful though – if he’s been violent in the past, this may set him off. You may want to go away for a few days when he’s served. A restraining order is pretty serious because it becomes part of the public record so it’s not to be entered into lightly.
  5. You should probably see a therapist as well. You may not realize it but it will start coloring all your interactions. It’s hard not to get a little paranoid.
  6. You’ll want to change all of your internet settings to high privacy and be careful about posting anything publicly (like on other peoples profiles).  Delete any profiles that you don’t need or use.
  7. Get a Post Office Box to have your mail sent to. This is also useful if you have a series of moves. Contact the utility companies and have them put your address on private.
  8. If he’s using the telephone to induce terror, you’ll want to change your phone number and let the phone company know what’s going on. They can start documenting the harassment and may eventually block his number. Give them the contact information for the police officer to forward the harassment record to him.
  9. It’s a hassle but change your phone number. Have a home phone number that you never give out and a cell phone that you give out to people to contact you.
  10. Vary your routines day-to-day. Don’t make anything a habit. Change your driving route to work. Don’t have a set appointment or day/time for anything. Don’t have a hang out. Be unpredictable. There is a difference between not letting him win and keeping yourself safe.  If you are going anywhere out of the ordinary (work, home, sister’s house), leave a map of your intended location on your computer screen along with the name and number of the person you’re meeting.
  11. Take a self-defense class. It will help you feel more empowered and less out-of-control.
  12. Evaluate your home and car for safety. Ask the landlord for small, inexpensive fixes like a deadbolt lock, peep hole, and locks for the windows.
  13. Have two friends and establish a safe call. A word you can say or text to them should he come after you physically. The friends should have instructions to call 911, they should know where the file is and who the officer on the case is.
  14. You’ll need to find something that helps keep you calm and feel safe. Being stalked is scary and when there’s a setback (like he finds out your new phone number) it can make you feel incredibly helpless. If you hasn’t read it already, The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.

Smooth criminal

Unfortunately there are criminals that move among us.  Some of these men are good – really good – at deception.  And they’re not after your heart, they’re after your money.

We rarely think about it when it comes to dating because we feel that we should be open and that dating is a process of getting to know someone.  While that’s true, keep your wits about you and pay attention to small inconsistencies.  It’s far too expensive to run background checks on every guy you meet so keep the following in mind:

  • If he looks substantially different from his online photo, don’t wait to hear his excuse.  He’s probably already attached.  Politely leave and have no further contact with him.
  • If he gives you a phone number, look it up in reverse telephone search.  Make sure the name matches the name he’s given you.
  • Be cautious with the amount of information you give him about yourself and your family.  Remember, a lot of financial institutions still use your mother’s maiden name as partial verification of your identity.
  • Make your passwords something completely unrelated to yourself and with capital letters, numbers and, if possible, punctuation marks.
  • Bring cash on dates so you don’t have to put down your credit card (if you’re going Dutch).  Don’t give out your credit card number.
  • Do not hand over your ID to your date no matter how cute he says your photo is.
  • Under no circumstances should you fall for a sob story about how they need  money to get out of a jam – that’s what their parents are for.
  • Do not pay for something with the understanding that he’s going to pay you back.  He’s either scamming you or a poor financial planner – you don’t want to be involved with either.
  • Pay attention to inconsistencies and query them.  If the explanation is not sufficient, cut him off because subsequent explanations are not going to get any better.
  • Don’t hesitate to Google him – once.  You’re checking him out, not stalking him.
  • If you’re getting a bad feeling from him, just get out of the situation.  Be polite but you owe him no explanations.

Baby I got your number

If you’re dating, I highly recommending having a throw-away cell-phone specifically for dating.  Your phone number is like a tracking device where the jerks of males past can reach out and torture you at any point in time.  Why in the world would you do this to yourself?

So who are these guys anyhow?

  1. Ex-boyfriends, ex-booty calls, ex-friends with benefits, basically any type of ex that you’ve exchanged body fluids with.  These are the ones who call after 10 P.M. and ask what you’re doing.  I’ve explained it all here.
  2. Guy that you dated once or twice and it just didn’t work out.  Maybe it was his penchant for talking about his mother or his confession that he’s prepping for a doomsday scenario by larping.  He’s calling to find out if you’ll give him another chance.
  3. Random guy that got your number and calls you weeks or even months afterward when you don’t remember who the heck he is.  I talk about it here but suffice it to say, he’s gone through the address book in his phone looking for a booty call and he’s finally gotten to your number.
  4. Any guy that you thought you were done with so you deleted his info – now his number comes up as “unknown” so you answer it thinking it’s someone else.  Ugh!

Since it gets to be a hassle to change your contact information every time you want to ditch someone, I highly recommend a pre-paid cellphone, a throw-away email address and waiting until they’ve passed the three month mark to give them your real address.

The safety dance

Long gone are the days when you married the boy next door, the boy you went to school with, or the boy you met at church.  More often than not, these days you’re dating someone with whom you have no history.  If you’ve been introduced by someone, they’ve only known him for a few years and the likelihood that they know his family is fairly slim.  So how is a girl supposed to stay safe in the dating jungle?

  1. Start compiling your information on him into an online file labeled with his name.  Keep emails, msgs, etc.  Add a photo of him.  Any personal internet links he might have shared should go in there too.  If you met him online, bookmark his dating profile.  Put all of this information in one place so that you can review it if needed (Why does his high school yearbook say he graduated in 1992 if he claims to have been born in 1980?) or if you need to delete it (remember, we delete our exes and it’s easier if their information is nicely grouped together).
  2. If it’s a blind date, send his name, address, cellphone number, photo and the meeting details (place, time) to a friend.  Arrange to call that friend at a specific time.  If you don’t call on time, they call you – if you don’t answer then they call 911.  Make sure you answer your phone as a SWAT team bursting in on you and your date is a bit of a mood killer.
  3. Take your own transportation.  Non-negotiable.  Park in a well-lighted area with plenty of foot traffic.  If you’re parking in a parking structure, park near an exit ramp or near the attendant and ask the security guard to walk you to your car.  If you have to valet park, only give them your car key.  Walk confidently, do not look like a victim.
  4. Listen to what he says on the date and make mental notes.  You can always check your file if something seems inconsistent (and if it’s inconsistent – ask him to clarify in a non-confrontational fashion).  Any moment you feel unsafe or insecure – politely excuse yourself and leave.
  5. Keep track of how much money you’re spending.  It’s unlikely that he’s going to stiff you for the check but you never know.  If you do need to cut it short, make sure you have enough cash to pay your own way and pay the establishment directly.
  6. Despite it being gallant, do not allow him to walk you to your car.  If you feel unsure about your safety, ask someone from the establishment to walk you to your car.
  7. When you’re leaving, make sure he isn’t following you.  If you think someone might be, make three consecutive right turns.  Unless they’re one-way streets, it’s highly unlikely that someone will be making the same three consecutive right turns.  If you think someone is following you, don’t go home – go to a police station.
  8. Call your same friend and tell them that you got home okay.

Does it sound a little paranoid?  Absolutely but sometimes that’s exactly what you need to do to stay safe.  Let your guard down once he’s proven himself.

I’ll call you

We’ve all had an experience where you give a guy your number, he says that he’ll call you and he doesn’t.  So what’s wrong with you?  Nothing!  Again, men don’t like to be the bad guy.  They’ll take your number in the moment to avoid directly rejecting you figuring that it’s easier to indirectly reject you by just not calling.  (Of course, this isn’t including the jerks who collect numbers for sport.)

When you give a guy your number, mentally give him a time limit to call you.  Be fair – three days is too short, 2 weeks is too long.  One week is just about right.  If he doesn’t call within that time frame then forget him.

Did you get his number?  If he hasn’t called you in a week don’t call him.  Don’t be needy girl.

If he calls you a month later with some lame story about really wanting to call you but he misplaced your number – chances are he’s lying.  I don’t mean there is a 50% chance that he’s lying, I mean there is a 99.9% chance that he’s lying.  You have two options:

  • Assume that he’s after a booty call and he’s gotten to your number after everyone else turned him down.
  • Give him the benefit of the doubt, tell him that it’s going to take a lot to make it up to you and see how well he measures up to your challenge (hint:  don’t be surprised when he fails miserably).

Giving a guy your number is no guarantee that he’s interested or that he’ll call.  Don’t assume “I’ll call you” is an actual commitment and don’t pin your hopes on a cloud.  If he’s worthwhile, he’ll call.