Nobody gets me like you do

Certainly there can not be a girl that hasn’t heard this line or a guy who hasn’t uttered it.  Unfortunately, it’s complete bullshit.  It’s a line designed to flatter your ego and ease their way into your panties.  It is a very effective means to an end.

The line works because it makes you feel special; as though you are the only person in the world with this magical connection to this other person.  It attempts to establish an immediate familiarity, a fast forward button to intimacy.  It turns that guy you barely know into “the one.”  I’m not saying that people don’t connect in unique ways, they most certainly do and you will connect with lots of people over your lifetime.

When a guy is throwing down a line like this too quickly, you would be correct to feel suspicious, not closer to him.  Consider his intentions for saying it.  He may want sex (okay, they *all* want sex) but he might also be a love junkie (addicted to the high that comes with the flirt and not in it for the long-term, even if he’s unaware of his status himself).

So don’t confuse that rush of hormones with knowledge of or experience with the other person.  Make sure you know them, not just their lines.

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Direct from my desk – week 50

Ladies, if you’re going to engage in booty calls, do it on your terms!  Do not allow a man to dictate the who, the when, the where, and the what.  So if you want your itch to be scratched, make sure you’re the one in control.

  • Do not allow a man to booty call you.  If he attempts to, turn him down politely but tell him you’ll call him when you’re interested.
  • You decide which man you want (if he doesn’t want you, his loss). Never pick a man that you want a relationship with.
  • Be direct in your intentions so there’s no confusion.  If you’re shy about asking him to come over for sex, use the “or something” to let him know what’s on your mind.
  • Pick the place – don’t use your house unless you’re willing to kick him out afterward.  Men, pay particular attention to how you clean your house.  If we’re wondering how well you clean your bathroom floor, we’re wondering how well you’re cleaning yourself.
  • Remember, this is not a date, it’s sex, don’t get confused.  This man is not your beau or your confidante, he’s a tool to be used (sounds harsh but it will help you keep it straight).

Addicted…to love?

Some men are addicts although their drug of choice does not come in pill form, they’re addicted to love.  Or rather, they’re addicted to the first blush of love – the crush.  A crush brings a rush of hormones that create that heady feeling, where you’re swimming through a pool of euphoria, skipping from one high to the next.  I mean, when you put it like that, who wouldn’t want to live with that feeling all the time.

Except for the fact that it’s just a crush.  It’s not real love, it’s a chemical reaction in your body to convince you to breed.  It’s easy to get and almost impossible to sustain.  Like addiction, you want that constant high but a long-term, stable relationship rarely delivers that fix.

So a man who is addicted to crushes will constantly go out in search of them, even if he’s already in a stable relationship.  He’s chasing that high and that means that his full attention is not on  you.  Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to solve this for him.  It’s a bottomless pit that he’s going to have to learn how to fill up, patch over, or build a bridge – all on his own or with the help of a therapist.

If you can see this guy coming, avoid him.  If you’re already involved, get him help or you’ll forever play second fiddle.

Direct from my desk – week 48

Not surprisingly, booty calls are a popular search term for finding my blog.  Let me briefly address a few more related search terms that I’ve seen:

  • how to get from booty call to monogamous lover – The odds of this are so minute it is classified as a miracle if it happens.
  • what constitutes a booty call? – If the only time you see him is for sex, you’re a booty call.
  • on. going sleepovers with your booty call – He spends the night because he’s too lazy to drive home afterward.
  • how to leave a booty call – Refuse to see him or take his phone calls.
  • confronting a guy who booty calls – Don’t bother, he’s just going to lie anyhow.
  • how to tell if you’re a booty call to your boss – Is the relationship based on sex?
  • denying sex to a bootycall – Good girl!  Just know that he’s probably got a back-up sex friend.
  • a guy gets yur number and call you a month later – He has no idea what you look like but wants to know if you’ll have sex with him.
  • he wants to take a break from booty – He wants to sleep with someone else.
  • how to tell someone you won’t be their booty call – Just tell them.  They’ll try it again on occasion but be strong.
  • how not to be a booty call girl – Just don’t do it.
  • booty call from ex boyfriend – Still a booty call.
  • how to disconnect myself from a bootycall i really like – Face up to reality.  He wants sex, you want a relationship.  Your needs are not compatible.
  • what to do if a guy marked you as a booty call – Unmark yourself.  You wouldn’t let a dog mark you, would you?
  • is it bad to be a booty call if he has a girlfriend – Not only bad, incredibly bad.
  • booty call hormones falling in love – Read a book called The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa Crenshaw.
  • it hurts that i was just a bootycall – I sympathize with you but rip the bandaid off quickly and move on.

And a few from the guys that made me giggle (I hope they make you giggle too):

  • denying the girl a booty call – Novel approach, it just may work.
  • girl wont pick up booty call – Hopefully she’s reading my blog instead.
  • when woman don’t give in to a booty call – Aww, is self-esteem unattractive?
  • my booty call thinks shes my girl – That’s quite a pickle you’ve gotten yourself into.  No sympathy here.

Here’s the quick list of blogs I’ve written on the topic:

My mailbox is open:  girldontbestupid@gmail.com

The sexual orientation continuum

Where are you on the Kinsey scale?  Relatively few people are 100% homosexual or heterosexual, they lay somewhere on the sexual orientation continuum.  So it shouldn’t come as a surprise if your partner confesses to a same sex interest of some sort (anything from he’s a good-looking man to he’s an ex-boyfriend).

How do you handle your partner’s revelation?  Take a moment to catch your breath.  You will probably have a million questions but don’t ask for details, instead, ask these:

  • Was it situational sexual behavior? (girls kissing in a bar to get a guy’s attention, sex tourism, etc.)
  • Is this an on-going interest? (bisexuality, homosexuality)
  • How does this impact our relationship?

Being less than 100% heterosexual or homosexual does not make one less than, it is simply a measurement of their sexual orientation.  However, it is also not a free pass to engage in sexual behavior outside your relationship (bisexual doesn’t mean you get both a boyfriend and a girlfriend unless they both agree to a polyamorous relationship).  If you have agreed on a monogamous relationship, they should adhere to that regardless of their sexual orientation.  Cheating with a man is still cheating.

Should you have a long-standing relationship and your partner is delayed in accepting or acknowledging their sexual orientation, you have some hard decisions to make.  Would both of you want to continue the primary relationship with an agreement regarding secondary relationships?  Would a negotiated closure contract be beneficial to both of you?

Talk slightly politically incorrect to me

Happily, we’re no longer in a society where it’s okay to club your wife over the head and drag her back to your cave but have we gone too far in the opposite direction?  Consider it, as females, we’ve always had that nagging little voice in the back of head that says, “don’t swear it’s not ladylike,” or “if you speak like that men will think you’re easy.”  However now we have men too afraid to say anything remotely politically incorrect, even in the bedroom.

All this politically correctness makes it difficult to talk dirty.  “I’d love to touch your ladyparts, if you’re okay with that.”  Uhm, no, not sexy.

So make a rule with your partner that it’s okay to be a little blue in the bedroom. Despite giving him permission, you may have to help him a bit by starting first.  Remember, a lot of guys have been so caught up in “never say x, y, or z,” that it may take a little bit of effort to shake them loose.

An easy way to start?  Share your fantasies.  Obviously this isn’t something that you do over dinner, this is pillow talk.  So turn off the lights, get comfortable, and bravely put yourself out there.

Take it out of the bedroom – send him a spicy text message (on his private account, not his work account) or whisper a little something in his ear on the walk into the restaurant.  No, your life shouldn’t revolve around your sex life but your sex life shouldn’t revolve around your life.

Now, the caveats:  Give him a list of words that should never ever pass his lips under any circumstances.  Don’t involve others (colleagues, waiters, passers-by), keep it private.  Make it fun – working on your sex life should feel like anything but work.

Pornography – the good, the bad, and the indifferent

Love it or hate it, pornography exists.  Side-stepping the legal and moral arguments surrounding pornography, men, on the whole, seem to have a use for it.  (Face it, if there wasn’t a market for it, it wouldn’t exist.)

Men and women physically view pornography differently.  For women, the viewpoints range from disgust to interest to indifference because women tend to want a story.  Men, as we’ve already discussed, tend to think in images (at least on this particular topic) so pornography fills a McSex need.

So what should you do if you wake up in the middle of the night to find your significant other watching porn?  You have the right to be angry that he’s withholding something from you, however, reacting with anger or shame will not get you to your goal.  Use this as an opportunity to open up a discussion on pornography, what he’s been watching, what he likes, why he likes it (this one may not be easy for him to answer), etc.  You will probably hear some things that don’t thrill you however try to keep an open mind.  It may help to have this conversation in front of a counselor who can help mediate a potentially volatile discussion.

While I would normally counsel people to try to incorporate their partner’s interests into their sex life, I understand that this may be a difficult one.  Do the best you can with it without moving so far out of your comfort zone that you’re actually damaging the relationship.  Be as understanding as you can be.

Of course you should be aware of potential red flags – illegal pornography (children, animals, etc.), pornography addiction (hard for a lay person to diagnose, take it to a counselor), pornography interfering with “normal” life (unable to perform with it, affecting work, family, etc.), and an interest in anti-female pornography (BDSM pornography is one thing, anti-female pornography is quite another).

Spank the monkey

Okay ladies, I’m going to share a secret with you:  guys masturbate.

No matter your personal feelings on the issue, you’re just going to have to accept this little fact of life and move forward. It’s not dirty.  It’s not personal.  It’s not contrary to being in a relationship.  It simply is and unless it’s impeding your sex life, it’s nothing to be concerned about.  (If it is hurting your sex life, please seek counseling as a couple.)

So let me explain how guys masturbate, at least how it was explained to me.  They’re not giving themselves a storyline surrounding a specific person.  It’s a bit more like ADD – pictures frantically flitting through their heads, not really able to attach to one image for any measurable amount of time.  The action (both mental and physical) is rapid and to the point.  It’s over within a few minutes.  The whole process is efficient and unemotional.

Why do guys masturbate if there’s a woman around?  Honestly, it’s McSex.  It’s a form of quick relief without having to consider the feelings of someone else.  (Think about it – would you really want a guy to go from start to finish with you in under two minutes?)

Why do guys lie about it or hide it?  Generally because they’ve been told that they need to hide it/lie about it from the moment they discovered it.  Those guys that say that they don’t masturbate?  They’re lying.  With few exceptions, men masturbate.  A wise woman will make this work for her.

What should I do about it? At the very least, let your partner know that you are okay with his masturbation.  If you want to go a step further, incorporate it into your sex life.  Whatever you do, do not make him feel bad about it or you’ll push it underground and this will cause a fissure in the bedrock of your relationship.

Do not fake it til you make it

It’s tempting to fake an orgasm.  After all, it suits a need and who is going to know?  You will and you’re cheating yourself!

First, find out if the problem is you.  Do you know what you like?  Do you know how to bring yourself to orgasm?  Do you know how to articulate it in a way that’s comfortable for you?  If you answered “no” then you have a bit of research to do.  Don’t feel awkward about it, the latest research indicates that orgasms can increase your life span.  Even if they can’t, they will make for more satisfying life.

Men, contrary to what we’ve heard, do not need to be coddled into thinking they’re a sexgod.  They’re big boys (they better be if you’re having sex with them!) and they can handle the truth.  I wouldn’t hold up a score-card or give feedback like, “well that isn’t going to work,” but you can address it honestly and kindly.

  1. Reassure him that you like your sex life just fine and that it’s not a problem with him.  Men, rightly or wrongly, feel it’s their duty to make you orgasm.
  2. If you’ve faked it in the past, apologize for your dishonesty and be prepared for him to feel betrayed – that’s something that you’ll have to make up to him.
  3. Tell him that you want to experiment (men seem to love this word just don’t get freaked out if he has a few suggestions of his own – deal with them as kindly as you can).
  4. Gently coach him on how to bring you to orgasm.  Do NOT get frustrated and give up – this won’t help either of you.
  5. You may need to enlist the help of a sex therapist (it’s surprisingly more common than you’d think).

Not tonight dear, I have a headache

“Never turn your husband down for sex or he’ll look elsewhere.”  “Lie back and think of England.”  “Never criticize his performance.”  For years women were fed ridiculous lines like this when it came to dealing with their husbands and sex.  While I’m sure the advisers had the advisee’s best interests at heart, it encourages women not to be authentic in their relationship with their husband.

Feel free to disregard all the bad advice you’ve ever been given about sex and start fresh.  Take a good long look at your attitude toward sex and how it impacts your relationships.  A healthy sex life is essential for a healthy relationship.  Now, I’m not saying that you have to have Olympic-level sex on a nightly basis – just a sexual relationship that is satisfying to both you and your partner.

Short dry spells are more common than you might think but a longer dry spell may have more serious effects on your relationships.  Men (insert sweeping generalization here) tend to associate the status of the sexual health of the relationship with the health of the relationship in total.  If you find yourself in a long dry spell, you may want to take a moment to check in with your partner to acknowledge the issue and embark on a discussion of the potential issues causing it.

You might find that you and your partner have differing libidos at various points in your life.  In fact, this would be entirely normal and is generally associated with hormones levels and/or the state of your mental health.  For both issues, I would encourage you to seek professional help in resolving the issue.  In all cases I would encourage some serious self-reflection regarding how you approach your sexuality as the knowledge can only enhance your life.