I’m going to leave her just as soon as…

File this under “lies married men tell.”  I can hear you gnashing your teeth as I type!  One of the biggest is that he’s going to leave his wife once x, y, or z occurs.  It’s usually anything from his ship coming in to the kids leaving the nest.  The simple fact of the matter is, if he was going to leave her he would have already.

Why say it?  Because if he were to tell you that he’s perfectly satisfied in his situation as it stands and what he’s interested in is sex on the side, you’d run a mile.  “But there are girls out there who will give them sex,” I can hear you say.  Yes but most men like a bit of a challenge, and a woman who believes they’re in a relationship is less likely to out him to his wife.

So why does it work?  Hope.  You want to believe him.  You want to believe that you’re not the other woman.  You want to believe that there is some unseen force that prevents him from divorcing his wife and being with you.  Unfortunately, you’re lying to yourself as much as he’s lying to you.

Tell him to get his proverbial sh*t together, leave his wife, and then come see if you’re still interested.  If he never comes back, the only thing you’ve lost is a guy who will lie to you and who will eventually cheat on you in much the same way.

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Nobody gets me like you do

Certainly there can not be a girl that hasn’t heard this line or a guy who hasn’t uttered it.  Unfortunately, it’s complete bullshit.  It’s a line designed to flatter your ego and ease their way into your panties.  It is a very effective means to an end.

The line works because it makes you feel special; as though you are the only person in the world with this magical connection to this other person.  It attempts to establish an immediate familiarity, a fast forward button to intimacy.  It turns that guy you barely know into “the one.”  I’m not saying that people don’t connect in unique ways, they most certainly do and you will connect with lots of people over your lifetime.

When a guy is throwing down a line like this too quickly, you would be correct to feel suspicious, not closer to him.  Consider his intentions for saying it.  He may want sex (okay, they *all* want sex) but he might also be a love junkie (addicted to the high that comes with the flirt and not in it for the long-term, even if he’s unaware of his status himself).

So don’t confuse that rush of hormones with knowledge of or experience with the other person.  Make sure you know them, not just their lines.

Direct from my desk – week 48

Not surprisingly, booty calls are a popular search term for finding my blog.  Let me briefly address a few more related search terms that I’ve seen:

  • how to get from booty call to monogamous lover – The odds of this are so minute it is classified as a miracle if it happens.
  • what constitutes a booty call? – If the only time you see him is for sex, you’re a booty call.
  • on. going sleepovers with your booty call – He spends the night because he’s too lazy to drive home afterward.
  • how to leave a booty call – Refuse to see him or take his phone calls.
  • confronting a guy who booty calls – Don’t bother, he’s just going to lie anyhow.
  • how to tell if you’re a booty call to your boss – Is the relationship based on sex?
  • denying sex to a bootycall – Good girl!  Just know that he’s probably got a back-up sex friend.
  • a guy gets yur number and call you a month later – He has no idea what you look like but wants to know if you’ll have sex with him.
  • he wants to take a break from booty – He wants to sleep with someone else.
  • how to tell someone you won’t be their booty call – Just tell them.  They’ll try it again on occasion but be strong.
  • how not to be a booty call girl – Just don’t do it.
  • booty call from ex boyfriend – Still a booty call.
  • how to disconnect myself from a bootycall i really like – Face up to reality.  He wants sex, you want a relationship.  Your needs are not compatible.
  • what to do if a guy marked you as a booty call – Unmark yourself.  You wouldn’t let a dog mark you, would you?
  • is it bad to be a booty call if he has a girlfriend – Not only bad, incredibly bad.
  • booty call hormones falling in love – Read a book called The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa Crenshaw.
  • it hurts that i was just a bootycall – I sympathize with you but rip the bandaid off quickly and move on.

And a few from the guys that made me giggle (I hope they make you giggle too):

  • denying the girl a booty call – Novel approach, it just may work.
  • girl wont pick up booty call – Hopefully she’s reading my blog instead.
  • when woman don’t give in to a booty call – Aww, is self-esteem unattractive?
  • my booty call thinks shes my girl – That’s quite a pickle you’ve gotten yourself into.  No sympathy here.

Here’s the quick list of blogs I’ve written on the topic:

My mailbox is open:  girldontbestupid@gmail.com

You used to be so nice

I’ve spoken earlier about the Law of Diminishing Returns.  Briefly, how you are treated in the beginning of a relationship will eventually taper off as the relationship matures.  The trick is knowing when the law of diminishing returns is kicking in and when he’s just turning into a douchebag.

He used to lavish you with presents but now:

  • You get them for special occasions = LDR
  • You never get presents unless you buy them for yourself while he insists on getting a present of his own = DB

Fervent arguments:

  • Mean you’re both still fighting for the relationship and end in make-up sex = LDR
  • Include violence, vicious words, and end in passive-aggressive behavior = DB

Cuddling up to watch a movie at home:

  • Includes a comfortable amount of silence = LDR
  • Occurs only after a significant amount of begging or pouting and he checks his phone the entire time = DB

Money:

  • Isn’t spent on dinners and vacations so  you can reach long-term goals = LDR
  • Is disappearing from your joint account without any real answers = DB

Whatever you do, do not do this!

There is a temptation, when you’ve been cheated on, to get even.  In this circumstance, any attempt to even the score is a fallacy.  It won’t matter if you sleep with one guy, twelve guys, a girl, a mule, or his best friend – you will never be bathing in the afterglow and think, “wow, I feel so much better now.”  To be completely frank, no man has a magic wand and it won’t take away the sting of betrayal.

What it will do is remind you of why you’re doing it.  It will also painstakingly eat away at your self-respect.  Sleeping around is a potent cocktail of power and powerlessness.  You may feel good…momentarily.  Slowly, deliberately, the feeling of dominance will fade leaving you with a vacuum.  It’s like trying to fill up the Grand Canyon through a straw.

You will never regain your self-worth by laying down.  Rather, build yourself up by moving forward and being productive.

It’s just a little fetish

As you expand your sexual repertoire, you may run across a fetishist or two.  So what exactly is a fetish and how can it affect your life?  The dictionary will tell you that a fetish is an extreme devotion to a traditionally non-sexual object.  This may be a body part, such as feet, or an inanimate object, like gloves.  It might also be a particular action or trait, like having a fetish for being tied up.

Fetishes can be fun to a certain degree (what girl doesn’t love shoe shopping?) and you should certainly be patient with your partner if they discover one.  If you’re comfortable with it, explore it with your partner.  If you’re uncomfortable with his fetish, seek counseling to mediate a solution.  It’s better to attempt to engage your partner’s fetish on some level than for him to feel as though he can’t express it around you – if the fetish is strong enough, he may seek out other avenues to indulge it.

There can come a point when a fetish can be destructive.  If the fetish is more important than the person  you’re engaging in it with, it’s a problem.  If the fetish is kept a secret, it’s a problem.  If the fetish is acted upon outside the relationship without permission from the primary partner, it’s a problem.  If the fetish is illegal, it’s a problem.  Any time a fetish is driving a wedge between yourself and your partner, professional counseling should be sought out to resolve any issues and to maintain the stability of the relationship.

A little slap and tickle

When one thinks of S&M, invariably the image conjured up includes black leather, a flogger, and someone looking incredibly pissed off.  The truth of it is, if you’ve ever played with food products during sex or tied a lover up, you’ve indulged in, *gasp* kinky sex.

There is nothing wrong with a bit of slap and tickle, as long as it’s consensual.  (If it’s not consensual – get out immediately.)  So how do you start?

  1. Talk to your partner ahead of time.  While some guys may think it’s cool to come home to find you in skin-tight leather with a mad hankering to paddle him, there’s a good chance that he may not.  Communication is key.  Talk to him about what you want to do (or what you want done to you) and exactly how far you want it to go.  Remember, it’s better to leave a bit more to be discovered than to go too far.  You can’t unring a bell.
  2. Once you have an idea of what you want to do, make an outline (no seriously – who wants to be naked, tied up, and their partner is standing there wondering what to do next).   Figure out what you want to wear and what you want to do when (first tease, then spank, last sex).  If there is a technique that you are unfamiliar with – learn it.  There are books and seminars to teach you what you want to know.  Then practice, practice, practice.
  3. Consider safety!  Use a safeword (safeword = word the submissive partner uses to stop the action).  Get trained in CPR/First Aid.  Keep safety gear within easy reach (i.e., if you’re tying someone up, make sure you have scissors to cut the rope quickly).  Be realistic about your plans (like if your partner has a history of heart/lung ailments, perhaps the hog tie is not the best option).
  4. Expect reality to be different from your plan.  You may think, one thousand lashes, but can your partner really handle it?  can your arm handle it?  Mistakes will happen.  Bruises will happen.  Some things won’t be nearly as cool as you had intended.  You need to forgive, be forgiven, and move forward.
  5. Mostly, have fun because if it isn’t fun, why are you doing it?

Me Tarzan, You Jane

When you start a conversation on your sex life with your partner, don’t be surprised if he has a few ideas of his own.  A common suggestion may be role play.  Before you reject it out-of-hand, give him a moment to explain what he’s thinking.  He’s probably thinking of something far less complicated than a three-act Broadway show.

If you feel yourself resisting it, ask yourself why.  Yes, it may seem a little silly or even a bit corny but hey, if it works, why not?  Try to suspend your inhibitions – no one is seeing this but you and him and I can guarantee you that he’s not going to be at the watercooler the next morning with a story that starts with, “So I’m in a loincloth, role playing with my wife…”

Start small.  Take those fantasies that you discussed and try to make one come true.  Start with words, each of you pick a role and stay in character.  If you’re comfortable with that, amp it up a bit with some costuming (Halloween is coming up -now is the time to get inexpensive costumes on every street corner).  If and when that starts feeling okay, take it outside – but do not involve innocent by-standers (don’t hit on strangers in bars, don’t stage a mock kidnapping, etc.).  Keep in mind that if it can go wrong, it probably will – so play safe kids.

Talk slightly politically incorrect to me

Happily, we’re no longer in a society where it’s okay to club your wife over the head and drag her back to your cave but have we gone too far in the opposite direction?  Consider it, as females, we’ve always had that nagging little voice in the back of head that says, “don’t swear it’s not ladylike,” or “if you speak like that men will think you’re easy.”  However now we have men too afraid to say anything remotely politically incorrect, even in the bedroom.

All this politically correctness makes it difficult to talk dirty.  “I’d love to touch your ladyparts, if you’re okay with that.”  Uhm, no, not sexy.

So make a rule with your partner that it’s okay to be a little blue in the bedroom. Despite giving him permission, you may have to help him a bit by starting first.  Remember, a lot of guys have been so caught up in “never say x, y, or z,” that it may take a little bit of effort to shake them loose.

An easy way to start?  Share your fantasies.  Obviously this isn’t something that you do over dinner, this is pillow talk.  So turn off the lights, get comfortable, and bravely put yourself out there.

Take it out of the bedroom – send him a spicy text message (on his private account, not his work account) or whisper a little something in his ear on the walk into the restaurant.  No, your life shouldn’t revolve around your sex life but your sex life shouldn’t revolve around your life.

Now, the caveats:  Give him a list of words that should never ever pass his lips under any circumstances.  Don’t involve others (colleagues, waiters, passers-by), keep it private.  Make it fun – working on your sex life should feel like anything but work.

Do not fake it til you make it

It’s tempting to fake an orgasm.  After all, it suits a need and who is going to know?  You will and you’re cheating yourself!

First, find out if the problem is you.  Do you know what you like?  Do you know how to bring yourself to orgasm?  Do you know how to articulate it in a way that’s comfortable for you?  If you answered “no” then you have a bit of research to do.  Don’t feel awkward about it, the latest research indicates that orgasms can increase your life span.  Even if they can’t, they will make for more satisfying life.

Men, contrary to what we’ve heard, do not need to be coddled into thinking they’re a sexgod.  They’re big boys (they better be if you’re having sex with them!) and they can handle the truth.  I wouldn’t hold up a score-card or give feedback like, “well that isn’t going to work,” but you can address it honestly and kindly.

  1. Reassure him that you like your sex life just fine and that it’s not a problem with him.  Men, rightly or wrongly, feel it’s their duty to make you orgasm.
  2. If you’ve faked it in the past, apologize for your dishonesty and be prepared for him to feel betrayed – that’s something that you’ll have to make up to him.
  3. Tell him that you want to experiment (men seem to love this word just don’t get freaked out if he has a few suggestions of his own – deal with them as kindly as you can).
  4. Gently coach him on how to bring you to orgasm.  Do NOT get frustrated and give up – this won’t help either of you.
  5. You may need to enlist the help of a sex therapist (it’s surprisingly more common than you’d think).