I feel pretty, oh so pretty

Cross-dressing can be a fetish but there is a portion of cross-dressers who prefer to call it a lifestyle.  So if you meet a man who likes to cross-dress, you’ll need to ask how deep his interest is before you know how to proceed.

  • A fetishist likes to cross-dress for the sexual aspect.  They get turned on by it in the moment but don’t incorporate it into their daily lives.
  • A lifestyler includes cross-dressing into their near-daily life, perhaps something under their street clothes or when they get home from work.  It isn’t entirely sexual, it’s about comfort.
  • Transvestites, transgender, or drag queens are not covered in this blog because if you’re getting involved with one, you usually know what you’re getting into.

Traditionally, cross-dressers are heterosexual persons who enjoy wearing clothing generally associated with the opposite gender.  So if you find that your partner is into cross-dressing, don’t panic – start a dialogue asking for the basic information (who, what, why, when, where, how) and do your best to understand your partner’s point of view.  Then you need to decide if it’s something you can live with.

If you can live with it, set down some rules about when it may happen, wardrobe acquisitions (i.e., nothing can be acquired from your closet), budget considerations, etc.  If you grow to enjoy it, you may even want to take him shopping but don’t worry if you never get to that point.

If it isn’t something you can live with, be honest with each other.

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Trivial pursuits

Almost everyone has a set of rules for their life.  These are usually not shared openly because they generally aren’t conversational.  You don’t tell your friends that you can’t sleep if there are dishes in the sink or that socks on the living room floor drive you nuts.  These tend to be trivial but important rules (if only important to the person who holds them).

When we get into a new relationship, we have a tendency to put our best foot forward and we sometimes forget to mention our rules to our partner lest we come off a little….crazy.  This is a big mistake.  You’re inviting your partner to break rules that they don’t know exist.  You’re being unfair and setting them up to fail.  So make sure you know what your rules are and make sure you inform your partner – so they can make an informed decision regarding the placement of their socks.

After that, you have to learn how to pick your battles.  You will not be able to convert your partner to every single one of your rules.  It’s simply not possible.  Happily, he won’t be able to convert you to all of his rules either (like his insistence that dirty dishes go in the sink, not the dishwasher).  Learn which of your rules are mandatory and which are flexible.  Not every rule is worth an argument – sometimes an alternative can be reached.  Do your best to let the trivial stuff go, negotiate the rest, and live happy.

Getting comfortable with confrontation

Women grow up with lots of social rules (some good, some bad) and one of our biggest is to back-peddle at the first sign of confrontation.  Confrontation has been placed in our heads as the big scary monster but honestly, we don’t need to fear confrontation, we need to learn how to manage it.  Think of confrontation as your friend – without it, nothing will change.

The first rule to being comfortable with confrontation is to have it on  your own terms.  Pick the time and place to your greatest advantage.  The second rule is to do your homework.  Never approach a confrontation without knowing your position, your opponent’s position, and having thought through the various potential twists.  The last rule is to keep your cool.  The moment you lose your composure, you lose the confrontation.  Do not get angry or emotional – let your rational words and preparation take center stage and you can’t lose.

Direct from my desk – week 35

Obviously I’m a big believer in negotiation.  It allows us to resolve disagreements by focusing on remaining a unit and coming up with a mutually agreeable solution.

I’m also a big believer in rules because they allow us to know what the expectations are.  You can’t fault someone for breaking a rule that they didn’t know about.  Every couple needs to establish their own rules to provide structure to their relationship.  Of course, rules will vary from person to person and in many cases, they will need to be negotiated between the people involved.  Many couples live with unspoken rules but I believe that explicit rules are better because they can not be misinterpreted to the advantage of one partner over another.

Some people may feel that this is too much work or that not everything needs to be written out.  I’m not sure either method is 100% correct for 100% of the people and you should certainly strive to find the right balance with your partner.

My mailbox is open:  girldontbestupid@gmail.com

Don’t go away mad, just go away

There are about a million wrong ways to break up with someone but they generally have one thing in common – being inconsiderate.  Being dumped is already a hard pill to swallow, but doing it in a mean or rude fashion makes it ten times worse plus it increases the chances for blow-back.  So the rules for breaking up with someone are:

  1. Choose your moment wisely.  If his nan just died, this is not the moment.
  2. Rehearse what you’re going to say with a friend so that it doesn’t sound as though you’re placing blame or attacking him.
  3. Be kind but firm.  Do not leave open-ended statements.  You’re breaking up with him, don’t leave him with hope – that’s just cruel.
  4. Listen to what he has to say but don’t be swayed by his arguments.  If you’ve already decided to break up with him, staying with him will lead to a power imbalance and ultimately, resentment.
  5. Understand that he will be angry.  This is usually the shock talking.  Do not attempt to defend yourself or respond in kind.  He’s entitled to his opinion.  A handy phrase is, “I can understand how you might feel that way.”
  6. Obviously if he gets violent – call the cops.
  7. Take a cooling off period.  No, you really can’t be friends immediately after a break-up.  Give it some time and see if you even have anything in common other than the fact that you were dating.

Direct from my desk – week 19

I talked a lot this week about where to meet guys.  Tomorrow I’m going to talk about how to be safe on dates (and no doubt you’ll think I’m paranoid but I’m okay with that as long as you follow my advice).  Also sprinkled throughout this blog are a lot of my personal rules for dating and sex.  While these may be my very good advice, at the end of the day you have to do what works for you.

On the other hand…if you’ve been doing what you’re doing for a long time and it isn’t working then you might want to try it my way for a little while and see what happens.

My mailbox is open:  girldontbestupid@gmail.com