How do you know when it’s right?

There comes a point in every relationship where you’re going to ask yourself if it’s “right”.  You will be simultaneously looking to the future and at your past mistakes and wondering if this could be the one.  The funny thing is, this is a question you will ask yourself repeatedly in a relationship, even after you’re married.

There will be no perfect time, perfect place, or perfect circumstance.  If you are waiting for that, you will die alone.  At any given moment you (and your partner) will be doing the best that you can.  Appreciate it for what it is.

Needless to say, if he’s a jerk – it isn’t “right”.  However, you need to make sure that you aren’t giving that little voice in your head free reign to run amok and sow doubt.  (If you habitually make bad choices and your little voice has to rescue you – that’s something you need to look at.)

There will be no sign from the heavens if your relationship is meant to be and even if something is perfect for you at one point in your life, it may not be perfect for you (or them) forever.  Fulfillment is not measured by your lack of failures, it is measured by your attempts to succeed.

Faultlines and earthquakes

There isn’t a perfect person on the planet.  Relationships are (partly) about being able to live with someone’s faults because they can split a relationship wide open.  Most people have a list of deal breakers which tend to come up pretty early in a relationship and those potential partners are generally discarded sooner rather than later.  More difficult to discern are the gray areas – issues that you don’t have a strong opinion on and that you’ll need to balance out against the whole of the person.

1. Know what your true deal-breakers are.  Don’t even attempt to negotiate them – simply shake hands and walk away.
2. Make a list of your own faults.  It may be a catalyst to work on them.  If nothing else it will remind you that you’re not perfect either.
3. Make a list of his faults, include everything that bothers you.
4. Is there anything on the list that is unreasonable?
5. Prioritize the list from most troublesome to least troublesome.
6. Apply the 80/20 rule to divide the list.  Check for accuracy.
7. Slowly handle the top 20%, bringing it up at a quiet moment using non-blaming language and attempt to negotiate a solution you can live with.  Do not hit him with the entire list in a short space of time or he’ll feel as though he’s under attack.
8. Look at the remaining 80% to determine if you can live with them without needing to negotiate them.  Happily, once you’ve decided that you can live with a fault, it tends to recede into the background becoming less and less important.
9. If you feel that you need to negotiate too many things, he may not be the right person for you and you may need to walk away from the relationship to allow him to find someone who loves all of him.

The universal perfect man

Doesn’t exist.  I’ve written a lot in the past week about types of guys to avoid or guys that you should cut loose at the earliest opportunity.  Don’t be scared off.  It’s good information but it shouldn’t send you off looking for Prince Charming or put you off men entirely.

However…

You will need to be realistic in your search.  Every man is going to have something that you’re not going to be entirely thrilled with.  You need to determine if it’s something you can live with at this point.  Don’t get squeamish about his collection of Star Wars memorabilia or his Luddite mentality toward smart phones.  Maybe he doesn’t tick every box on your checklist up-front but he may check some very important ones if you give him the chance.  Just ask yourself if you can look past the not-so-great points for the  moment while you get to know him better because while the perfect man doesn’t exist, the perfect-man-for-you does.