How to booty call a guy

If you have read my previous blogs on booty calls, then you’re well aware of my thoughts on them.  However, “how to booty call a guy” seems to be a key search term to find my blog so I might as well answer it.

In general, I’m against booty calls and I advocate taking a lover if you really aren’t looking for a relationship, you just want your itch scratched.  However, as a modern woman, I do realize that sometimes that itch does get quite, er, persistent.  So it’s best to have a game plan.

  1. Choose your target wisely.  You don’t want this to be a good friend (very very messy) or a guy you’d want a relationship with (you can’t change the dynamic once it’s established).  Obviously there needs to be some attraction but also a degree of safety, both in terms of health and security.  Remember, most guys will tell you what you want to hear rather than the cold, hard truth.
  2. Get his phone number.  You could email him but then you’ll spend a tense few hours waiting for him to respond while your head goes through any number of ludicrous theories as to why he hasn’t written back.  Oh, and most guys aren’t going to find it quite as creepy as girls do if you just happen to get their phone number from a friend, their social media page, or even a directory.
  3. Pick your time.  Are you scheduling your booty call?  It risks sounding like a date.  Are you dialing at midnight?  You risk him not being available.  Try to figure out what type of guy he is before determining when to approach it.  If you’re looking for an easy A, I recommend that you go for the studious type over the stud type, at least the first time out.
  4. Decide what you’re going to say.  This is not the time to stumble about verbally.  You want to be suave, not sweating.  Keep it short and direct without being vulgar.  If words fail you, you an always use the international code for booty call.  Ask the question, then wait for a response.  Do not fill in the silence with mindless prattle or your top ten list of why he should say yes.  He might be in shock, give him a chance to process it and formulate a response.
  5. If he rejects you, put on your big girl panties and suck it up.  For whatever reason, he’s not the guy.  Delete his number and move on.
  6. If he accepts (and it is shockingly easy to get a guy into bed – go figure), then you should have everything prepared ahead of time.  Have a good exit strategy and keep it vague (I have to work in the morning is pretty universal for you gotta go).  If you’re kind enough to let him stay overnight, I had a friend who used to prepare his booty calls breakfast, deliver it to them in bed, then tell them that their taxi would be there in about 30 minutes, prepaid of course.  What a gentleman!
  7. Afterward – do not be a clingy girl!  You slept with him.  He’s not your boyfriend.  He may or may not cuddle.  Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t call (in fact, keep the ball in your court – booty call him, do not allow him to booty call you!).  Instead, plan a girls night out to celebrate and share most, but not all, of the details…of how you did it.  Gosh, I would never instruct you to kiss and tell!

The lion vs. the lamb

Much like my psycho ex-girlfriend, a married man will often describe his wife in unflattering terms.  He’ll tell you that she doesn’t understand him, they’ve grown apart, she nags him constantly, etc., etc., etc.  Now I won’t say that his wife is perfect because I don’t know her (and neither do you!), but he saw enough in her at some point to commit to spending the rest of his life with her.

At the same time, he’ll be telling you everything you want to hear.  You’re so sweet, uncomplicated, you “get him“.  Please remember that he’s saying anything that he has to in order to get into your panties.  He has nothing to lose at this point – even if you turn him down, he’s still going home to his wife!  This power play also occurs when you argue with your married lover, again, he has nothing to lose.

Do not allow a man to put you into competition with his wife (or with any other woman for that matter).  The moment he tries to set up that dynamic, refuse to accept it.  Human interactions are far more complex than the oversimplification that he’s trying to hand you.  You are neither the lion nor the lamb…..but neither is she.

Direct from my desk – week 14

Judging by the feedback in my mailbox my last post might need a bit of clarification regarding what constitutes a lover and what constitutes a booty call.  So here goes:

  • A lover is a monogamous relationship; a booty call is a non-monogamous arrangement.
  • A lover sees you at prearranged intervals; a booty call sees you sporadically.
  • A lover takes you out; a booty call takes you to the bedroom.
  • A lover texts you; a booty call sexts you.
  • A lover doesn’t allow you to fall in love; a booty call encourages you to fall in love.
  • A lover will empower you; a booty call will abuse his power.

When you have a lover, you’re completely aware that it is a relationship without a future.  He isn’t trying to manipulate you.  You’re honest with each other and eventually, the relationship will end peacefully as one of you moves on.

Questions?  My mailbox is open:

Taking a lover, on the other hand

Taking a lover is a complex dance.  I do not suggest it unless you are absolutely NOT looking for a relationship.  Perhaps you’re focused on your career so you’ve put your love life on hold.  Perhaps you’re in a spot to enjoy your accomplishments without tying yourself down.  For whatever reason, having someone in your space is simply not appealing.

So how is a lover different?  It’s not a booty call.  It’s not sleeping with an ex.  It’s not a friend with benefits.  It’s a monogamous relationship created to celebrate the moments you are together and no more.  You won’t be introducing this person to your family.  You aren’t harboring any hopes of being in a relationship with this person.  This person will not be your date for social or work functions and should you run into someone you know you will be introducing them as your “friend”.

Should you decide to take a lover, the rules should be stated upfront and rigorously adhered to.  How often will you see each other?  What social activities are allowed and which are not?  How are you to react should you see each other in public?  Cover as much ground as you can in the negotiation phase so things don’t get messy later on.

The trick to taking a lover is to keep it clean.  This relationship has no future.  This person is not entangled in your social circle.  Should one person develop feelings other than friendship, the relationship ends immediately and with no further contact.