How to booty call a guy

If you have read my previous blogs on booty calls, then you’re well aware of my thoughts on them.  However, “how to booty call a guy” seems to be a key search term to find my blog so I might as well answer it.

In general, I’m against booty calls and I advocate taking a lover if you really aren’t looking for a relationship, you just want your itch scratched.  However, as a modern woman, I do realize that sometimes that itch does get quite, er, persistent.  So it’s best to have a game plan.

  1. Choose your target wisely.  You don’t want this to be a good friend (very very messy) or a guy you’d want a relationship with (you can’t change the dynamic once it’s established).  Obviously there needs to be some attraction but also a degree of safety, both in terms of health and security.  Remember, most guys will tell you what you want to hear rather than the cold, hard truth.
  2. Get his phone number.  You could email him but then you’ll spend a tense few hours waiting for him to respond while your head goes through any number of ludicrous theories as to why he hasn’t written back.  Oh, and most guys aren’t going to find it quite as creepy as girls do if you just happen to get their phone number from a friend, their social media page, or even a directory.
  3. Pick your time.  Are you scheduling your booty call?  It risks sounding like a date.  Are you dialing at midnight?  You risk him not being available.  Try to figure out what type of guy he is before determining when to approach it.  If you’re looking for an easy A, I recommend that you go for the studious type over the stud type, at least the first time out.
  4. Decide what you’re going to say.  This is not the time to stumble about verbally.  You want to be suave, not sweating.  Keep it short and direct without being vulgar.  If words fail you, you an always use the international code for booty call.  Ask the question, then wait for a response.  Do not fill in the silence with mindless prattle or your top ten list of why he should say yes.  He might be in shock, give him a chance to process it and formulate a response.
  5. If he rejects you, put on your big girl panties and suck it up.  For whatever reason, he’s not the guy.  Delete his number and move on.
  6. If he accepts (and it is shockingly easy to get a guy into bed – go figure), then you should have everything prepared ahead of time.  Have a good exit strategy and keep it vague (I have to work in the morning is pretty universal for you gotta go).  If you’re kind enough to let him stay overnight, I had a friend who used to prepare his booty calls breakfast, deliver it to them in bed, then tell them that their taxi would be there in about 30 minutes, prepaid of course.  What a gentleman!
  7. Afterward – do not be a clingy girl!  You slept with him.  He’s not your boyfriend.  He may or may not cuddle.  Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t call (in fact, keep the ball in your court – booty call him, do not allow him to booty call you!).  Instead, plan a girls night out to celebrate and share most, but not all, of the details…of how you did it.  Gosh, I would never instruct you to kiss and tell!
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Meeting his family

Yikes!  This is always a situation to fill one with trepidation.  Meeting your partner’s family doesn’t need to be a stressful event if you remember a few key things:

  • Have your partner fill you in on his family dynamics.  Is his sister a gossip?  Is his mother insulted if you don’t eat everything on your plate?  Does his brother know the intimate details of your relationship?  You’ll want to know about potential minefields before you step into it.
  • As much as you can to suit the occasion, dress modestly and keep your hair/makeup natural.  You want to impress your potential in-laws with more than just your rockin’ bod or eccentric personal style.
  • Be polite.  Err on the side of formality until they invite you to be familiar.  Greet everyone, remember their names and use them when you say your goodbyes.
  • Brush up on your small talk.  It’s better to talk about current events than to draw a blank.  Do not divulge salacious details about yourself, no matter how amusing.  If possible, as your partner for details on the individual likes of his family members (brother: fishing, sister: fashion magazines, mom: quilting) so you can prepare something relevant to say.
  • Be prepared to answer (or deftly sidestep) questions on your career, plans for marriage/children, or even your past.  Be as honest as you can be without alienating anyone.
  • Let your partner lead the interaction (deciding time to arrive/leave, introductions, etc.) but be independent enough to start a conversation without him.
  • Evaluate his family as much as they are evaluating you.  While you technically are marrying the man, his family comes as a package deal.

Direct from my desk – week 25

Much of what we discussed this week was on the theme of time.  One mistake I see women make is to wait too long to either figure out if they want to commit to someone or for that person to commit to them.  Commitment doesn’t necessarily mean marriage in this day and age however it should be entered into with forethought and sincerity.

My rule of thumb is one year.  Within a year you’ll have seen someone through an illness and a (albeit small) financial crisis.  You’ll have had sufficient time to assess their personality and their character (which are two very different things).  You’ll have had at least one fight but hopefully not too many which will tell you how they experience and exemplify anger.  You’ll be able to judge their resilience and should have a pretty good idea if they’re a good match.

Keep in mind that a good match is entirely different from a great love story.  A great love story is just that – a story, edited by history and largely unchanging.  You’ll be living a relationship which occurs in real time and is dynamic, requiring a certain degree of flexibility.

If, at the end of one year, you do not know if you want to commit to someone – you don’t.  If they don’t know if they want to commit to you – they don’t.  I’m not saying that the commitment has to occur at the end of the year but the knowledge should certainly be there.

Be approachable

If your immediate response to the title was, “but I am approachable,” then you probably aren’t.  Most of us think that we’re approachable and most of us are wrong.  Most of us come off as aloof or preoccupied to people that we don’t know.  We worry more about how we’re looking than how we’re coming off to others.  We tend to surround ourselves constantly so that we’re never spending a moment alone (God forbid we be alone in public!) Remember my assignment to be alone in public?  This is where it was leading.

So how do you come off as more approachable?

  1. Have your friends take a few candid photos of you when you’re unaware and then have a peek at your “neutral” face.  Does it need improving?
  2. Practice smiling.  Smile at your friends, smile at strangers (except creepy ones), smile at nothing in particular and for no reason.  Just keep smiling.
  3. Be confident.  Watch your posture and body language.  Speak slowly and clearly.  Bloom where you’re planted.
  4. Do things by yourself.  Unless you don’t have a needed feminine product in your purse, you don’t need to drag a friend to the bathroom with you.
  5. If someone makes eye-contact with you, make eye-contact with them and smile. (Creepy guys need not apply)
  6. When approached, be receptive and friendly without giving away the whole farm.

Oh no! I need to recover the status quo!

Being wrong sucks.  It’s embarrassing, a reminder that we’re not perfect.  Our ego wants to pretend it didn’t happen.  I mean, if the other person truly loves you they’ll just forgive you automatically, right?

Wrong.

Apologies, good apologies are a necessary social lubricant and help strengthen relationships.  They indicate that the person apologizing cares about the relationship and wants to make things right.  Here is your cheat sheet:

  1. Approach the person, preferably face-to-face and state that you’re there to apologize.  (“Hi Susan.  I think I might have offended you the other day and I want to apologize.”)
  2. Accept responsibility for your actions but do not attempt to justify them.  (“It was horrible of me to tell Todd that you’d slept with his brother but in my defense, I was really drunk.”)
  3. Say you’re sorry but do not attempt to shift blame.  (“I’m sorry if you can’t take a joke.”)
  4. Acknowledge the ramifications.  (“I interfered with your relationship and I completely understand if you’re angry with me.”)
  5. Offer reparations but don’t go overboard.  (“With your permission I’d like to speak with Todd to explain that it just sleeping, not sex.  If that doesn’t work, I’ll never bother you again.“)
  6. End the apology and be ready for an awkward silence.  (“I value our friendship and would like to get it back on track.  I would very much like for us to work through this.  I’ll wait to hear from you.”)

Bad apologies or missing apologies, on the other hand, will destroy relationship.  Don’t ignore the situation.  Don’t be insincere.  Don’t attempt to be funny.  Don’t engage in over-the-top self-flagellation.  Don’t make the apology about yourself.  Don’t guilt the other person into accepting your apology.  Don’t shirk your responsibilities should you need to actually do something to gain the other person’s forgiveness.  Don’t just wing-it.

When do you need to issue an apology?  You need to apologize when you’ve done something to get a relationship off-track.  It could be an off-hand comment or it could be about accidentally killing someone’s pet while it was in your care.  In any case, the onus to make reparations is on the offender, not the offended.  An easy rule of thumb is if you think you need to apologize then you probably should.

What to do with the stomach flu

The stomach flu, food poisoning, gastroenteritis all suck.  The good news is that most of the time they don’t require a trip to the emergency room.  The bad news is that no one wants to hold your hand through your personal hell. This is my way to handle the situation (if your doctor recommends something different – listen to your doctor!).

Get to your place as soon as safely and legally possible.  It’s going to get worse before it gets better so you probably don’t want to do this in a public place.  You will have times where you feel sick and times that you feel really sick.  Be sensitive to how your body feels.  Do not hesitate to seek medical help if you feel its necessary.

Set up your bathroom.  Remove that white flokati rug and anything else that isn’t absolutely necessary.  Put an empty plastic laundry basket just inside the door.  Put a clock on the counter (at some point you’re going to want to know what time it is).  Wipe the toilet down with bleach wipes.  A plastic bucket lined with a plastic bag may be useful if you think you may pass out.  Grab as many bath towels that you can – put two down on the floor opposite the toilet so you have a comfortable place to sit or lay down (eventually you’re going to want to sleep).  Put the rest of the towels on the counter so that they remain clean until you need them.

Bring your cellphone and the number for the medical hotline in your area – pre-program this in your phone if you can.  Call your best friend and let her know what’s going on.  Ask her to call you periodically through the night and the next few days until you’re feeling better.  Call your boss to tell them that you’re sick and you probably won’t be making it in the next day.  Keep your cellphone handy.

Grab a bottle of water and a plastic or paper cup – this is for rinsing out your mouth, not drinking.  I don’t recommend mouthwash because it dries out your mouth and the taste is incongruous with anything coming up.  Still, if mint makes you feel better, you can try it.  Be careful about drinking too much fluid while you’re still vomiting.

If it makes you feel less alone, turn on the radio or the television.

Write down everything you ate in past 48 hours and what you suspect the problem might be.  Write down your symptoms.  Write down each time you get sick.  If, for some reason, you are incapacitated and taken to the hospital this piece of paper will speak for you.

Tie or pin back your hair and get naked.  Yes, get naked.  It will be easier to wash yourself off than to continually wash your clothing.  Put some pajamas just outside the bathroom door for when you’re feeling better.  In the meanwhile, wrap yourself in a towel if you get cold.

When you get sick, don’t stress out.  If you feel that you need medical attention, seek it. 

Over the next few days, go easy on yourself.  Drink clear fluids, avoid sugar and dairy, eat light foods.  When your symptoms disappear you can gradually go back to your regular diet.  Get plenty of sleep as your calorie count will be down.  Keep in contact with your boss to let them know how you’re doing and when they can expect you back.  Thank your best friend for having your back.

The easiest social skill to master

There are a lot of social skills to master but perhaps the easiest to master and the one that will help you the most in the workplace is……shut up and listen.  You might be surprised how often you talk about yourself or find yourself putting advocating ideas over and above those of others.  While this may win the battle, it won’t win the war.  Other people might have a better idea or a way to improve your idea but you’ll never know unless you listen.  So here is how to implement this little plan:

  1. Stop talking.
  2. Face the other person and look them in the eye (friendly! do not stare them down).
  3. Relax your posture, uncross your arms and smile.
  4. If sitting, lean forward slightly (don’t do this while standing, it’s dominating behavior).
  5. When they speak, nod infrequently and make appropriate affirmative comments.
  6. Watch their body language for what they’re not saying.
  7. Re-phrase what they’ve said to you to ensure you’ve heard it correctly.
  8. Give feedback.
  9. Follow up on the conversation at a later time.

This works for friendly conversations as well.  Now go practice so it comes off as natural.