Dithering idiots

Okay ladies, this is going to sting.

So we’ve all been in that somewhat ambivalent relationship where we don’t know where the guy’s head is at.  He’ll tell you that he’s not ready to commit yet but you can’t see a really good reason (really good reasons include a family medical emergency, finishing school, etc.).  Let me break it down for you – he might be ready to commit but not to you.

If the right girl came along, he’d commit in a nanosecond.  However, you’re not that girl and under no circumstances will I advocate attempting to change yourself into *that girl* just to make him happy.  This isn’t about you though.  In all likelihood, you’ve done nothing wrong; you’re simply convenient for the moment, however long that moment lasts.

How do you differentiate the dithering idiot from the manchild?  The manchild refuses to grow up.  The dithering idiot is a already an adult who handles his responsibilities.  The manchild doesn’t realize the relationship has no future; the dithering idiot is fully aware that you’ll never be anything more than his ‘girlfriend.’

If you find yourself in this situation, recognize it, extricate yourself, and move on.  Don’t blame yourself for anything more than allowing him to waste your time, and go find a guy who deserves you.

The lion vs. the lamb

Much like my psycho ex-girlfriend, a married man will often describe his wife in unflattering terms.  He’ll tell you that she doesn’t understand him, they’ve grown apart, she nags him constantly, etc., etc., etc.  Now I won’t say that his wife is perfect because I don’t know her (and neither do you!), but he saw enough in her at some point to commit to spending the rest of his life with her.

At the same time, he’ll be telling you everything you want to hear.  You’re so sweet, uncomplicated, you “get him“.  Please remember that he’s saying anything that he has to in order to get into your panties.  He has nothing to lose at this point – even if you turn him down, he’s still going home to his wife!  This power play also occurs when you argue with your married lover, again, he has nothing to lose.

Do not allow a man to put you into competition with his wife (or with any other woman for that matter).  The moment he tries to set up that dynamic, refuse to accept it.  Human interactions are far more complex than the oversimplification that he’s trying to hand you.  You are neither the lion nor the lamb…..but neither is she.

Girl-for-right-now-friend

A girl-for-right-now-friend is defined by the Urban Dictionary as “A girlfriend that literally is for the “right now” benefit whether it be physical or other. It can also be a girlfriend because you are bored. This GF can also be a filler until you either get back with your ex-girlfriend or you end up with the girl you really want.”

It is a sad comment on our times that asking a guy if he has a girlfriend is not sufficient to get to the truth.  Increasingly a girl needs to ask, “Is there a girl who thinks she’s your girlfriend?”  Even then there is a chance that you won’t get the truth.  If he fesses up, give him props for his honesty.  While unpleasant it’s a good sign that he’s willing to tell you the truth.  If you suspect that he’s merely feeding you a line, skip him – it’s not going to be worth the hassle of trying to figure out when he’s lying and when he’s honest.  Btw, if he has to think about it, there’s your answer.

So while you want to avoid dating a guy who has a “filler”, you really want to avoid being that girl.  (Note:  friend-with-benefits is one thing – there is not expectation of a relationship, a filler girlfriend actually thinks she’s his girlfriend).  Again, if he’s unwilling to put a label on your relationship and introduce you to his friend as such – you might want to consider your options.  Like the saying goes, don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs.  (wish I could give credit but I’ve yet to find who to attribute the quote to, if you know please contact me)

Substitute girlfriend syndrome

Sometimes you’ll feel a bit confused about your relationship.  It could be a relationship.  It feels like a relationship – at times.  You’ve never had a talk about having a relationship (or perhaps you did and he insisted that *this* isn’t a relationship but then he certainly acts like it is).  So what do you do with this?

You might be a victim of Substitute Girlfriend Syndrome.

What is SGS?  It’s when you’re semi-involved with someone who looks and acts like your boyfriend but refuses, for whatever reason, to make it official.  It could be your best male friend that you act relationship-y with.  You go out to the movies, you cuddle up together, you’ve probably even made out a time or two.  It could be that guy you’ve been dating for a while.  If neither one of you is dating anyone else and you’ve developed a sexual relationship, it’s a relationship right?  Or it could be your ex that you’ve gotten close with after the breakup.  It all seems so comfortable, so it must be right.

There are three main problems with SGS:

  1. You’re basically stuck in relationship purgatory without confirmation of your importance in someone else’s life.  He’s refusing to make it official but he’s refusing to let you go.
  2. You’re someone’s relationship wubby. You’re comfortable enough but you’ll be dropped when something better comes along.
  3. It stops you from going out and finding an authentic relationship because you’re spending all your time and energy on this one.

If you find yourself in this situation you should first try to resolve it with him (same advice holds if you find yourself with Substitute Boyfriend Syndrome).  Do not issue him an ultimatum!  Simply, if he won’t give you an answer within a reasonable time frame then you should make your own decision.  However you should never let his confusion confuse you.

Direct from my desk – week 5

Boy you guys must really like to hear me pontificate.  You can stop it at any time – girldontbestupid@gmail.com.  Just sayin’.

So why the sudden veer into New Age territory on my blog?  Because you just might be a psycho in a relationship.  Now before you reject this theory outright, think about it.

  • Googling the guy you’re about to go out on a date with to make sure he isn’t a felon is okay.  Friending his exes on Facebook is not.
  • Calling him twenty times in a day is NOT sane behavior.  Your crazy is showing.  (No, cutting that down to 10 times isn’t all that normal either.)
  • Projecting yourself so far into the future with him that you’re naming your kids on the first date means you’ve hopped the train to Looneyville.
  • Completely losing yourself in his life (new interest in how to play shortstop, eh?) is wrong, wrong, wrong.

We all go a little overboard when it comes to a new relationship (long story about how your hormones want you to lock him down or kick him out) but I’m hoping to give you the tools to recognize when you’ve colored outside the lines and you need to do to get back on track.

ps, My list was a little short.  What are the screwy things you or your friends (wink wink) have done when you’ve started to obsess on a guy?