How to booty call a guy

If you have read my previous blogs on booty calls, then you’re well aware of my thoughts on them.  However, “how to booty call a guy” seems to be a key search term to find my blog so I might as well answer it.

In general, I’m against booty calls and I advocate taking a lover if you really aren’t looking for a relationship, you just want your itch scratched.  However, as a modern woman, I do realize that sometimes that itch does get quite, er, persistent.  So it’s best to have a game plan.

  1. Choose your target wisely.  You don’t want this to be a good friend (very very messy) or a guy you’d want a relationship with (you can’t change the dynamic once it’s established).  Obviously there needs to be some attraction but also a degree of safety, both in terms of health and security.  Remember, most guys will tell you what you want to hear rather than the cold, hard truth.
  2. Get his phone number.  You could email him but then you’ll spend a tense few hours waiting for him to respond while your head goes through any number of ludicrous theories as to why he hasn’t written back.  Oh, and most guys aren’t going to find it quite as creepy as girls do if you just happen to get their phone number from a friend, their social media page, or even a directory.
  3. Pick your time.  Are you scheduling your booty call?  It risks sounding like a date.  Are you dialing at midnight?  You risk him not being available.  Try to figure out what type of guy he is before determining when to approach it.  If you’re looking for an easy A, I recommend that you go for the studious type over the stud type, at least the first time out.
  4. Decide what you’re going to say.  This is not the time to stumble about verbally.  You want to be suave, not sweating.  Keep it short and direct without being vulgar.  If words fail you, you an always use the international code for booty call.  Ask the question, then wait for a response.  Do not fill in the silence with mindless prattle or your top ten list of why he should say yes.  He might be in shock, give him a chance to process it and formulate a response.
  5. If he rejects you, put on your big girl panties and suck it up.  For whatever reason, he’s not the guy.  Delete his number and move on.
  6. If he accepts (and it is shockingly easy to get a guy into bed – go figure), then you should have everything prepared ahead of time.  Have a good exit strategy and keep it vague (I have to work in the morning is pretty universal for you gotta go).  If you’re kind enough to let him stay overnight, I had a friend who used to prepare his booty calls breakfast, deliver it to them in bed, then tell them that their taxi would be there in about 30 minutes, prepaid of course.  What a gentleman!
  7. Afterward – do not be a clingy girl!  You slept with him.  He’s not your boyfriend.  He may or may not cuddle.  Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t call (in fact, keep the ball in your court – booty call him, do not allow him to booty call you!).  Instead, plan a girls night out to celebrate and share most, but not all, of the details…of how you did it.  Gosh, I would never instruct you to kiss and tell!

Dithering idiots

Okay ladies, this is going to sting.

So we’ve all been in that somewhat ambivalent relationship where we don’t know where the guy’s head is at.  He’ll tell you that he’s not ready to commit yet but you can’t see a really good reason (really good reasons include a family medical emergency, finishing school, etc.).  Let me break it down for you – he might be ready to commit but not to you.

If the right girl came along, he’d commit in a nanosecond.  However, you’re not that girl and under no circumstances will I advocate attempting to change yourself into *that girl* just to make him happy.  This isn’t about you though.  In all likelihood, you’ve done nothing wrong; you’re simply convenient for the moment, however long that moment lasts.

How do you differentiate the dithering idiot from the manchild?  The manchild refuses to grow up.  The dithering idiot is a already an adult who handles his responsibilities.  The manchild doesn’t realize the relationship has no future; the dithering idiot is fully aware that you’ll never be anything more than his ‘girlfriend.’

If you find yourself in this situation, recognize it, extricate yourself, and move on.  Don’t blame yourself for anything more than allowing him to waste your time, and go find a guy who deserves you.

Why are my panties so damn tiny if you showed up commando?

Women will endure a lot of torture in order to look like what we think men want.  We pluck ourselves nearly hairless (yes, even *there*), we wear dreadfully uncomfortable clothes, and we buy stuff called camouflage makeup.  Invariably, however, you open the door and the guy is standing there in jeans, a semi-wrinkled shirt and a leer that says “I’m not wearing boxers.”

How did we get ourselves into this position?  We did it to ourselves.  We bought into this media image that we have to look like a pornstar in order to attract a mate.  I’m not saying that we should give up bathing and embrace a new hirsute vegan lifestyle, but we should certainly attempt to cultivate a sustainable sense of personal style that can be maintained.

So toss out those girl magazines that try to dictate everything from your hairstyle to your underwear.  Be the best that you can be but make sure it’s you deciding what that is.  And if you meet a guy who thinks the length of your pubic hair should be a deciding factor in the relationship – go find a better class of men, they are out there.


Uncomplicated is one of those words that makes me cringe when I hear it dripping off a guy’s lips.  He’s intending it as a compliment but it really isn’t and I’ll tell you why….If your relationship is uncomplicated, then one of you isn’t being authentic and most likely, it’s you.

You know what a synonym for uncomplicated is?  Easy.  I’m not saying that your job in a relationship is to make his life difficult but you can be too accommodating, too understanding, too afraid to rock the boat.  Sure you want to put your best foot forward but make sure you’re being your true self.  Don’t create an image of yourself for him to fall in love with because it’s unsustainable.  Don’t be so intent on winning the guy that you lose yourself.

Some guys (not all guys – there are good guys out there) will use this word as a behavior modifier.  It’s a bit of a veiled threat – keep the relationship simple and the relationship continues; make the relationship complicated and the relationship ends.  It’s manipulation.  If you’re involved with one of these guys – run and don’t look back!

So if you’re with a guy who suddenly comes up with this little gem – ask him what it means and listen to his response with your brain, not your heart…because a guy who wants an undemanding relationship doesn’t want all the marvelous complications that real life holds.

I’m going to leave her just as soon as…

File this under “lies married men tell.”  I can hear you gnashing your teeth as I type!  One of the biggest is that he’s going to leave his wife once x, y, or z occurs.  It’s usually anything from his ship coming in to the kids leaving the nest.  The simple fact of the matter is, if he was going to leave her he would have already.

Why say it?  Because if he were to tell you that he’s perfectly satisfied in his situation as it stands and what he’s interested in is sex on the side, you’d run a mile.  “But there are girls out there who will give them sex,” I can hear you say.  Yes but most men like a bit of a challenge, and a woman who believes they’re in a relationship is less likely to out him to his wife.

So why does it work?  Hope.  You want to believe him.  You want to believe that you’re not the other woman.  You want to believe that there is some unseen force that prevents him from divorcing his wife and being with you.  Unfortunately, you’re lying to yourself as much as he’s lying to you.

Tell him to get his proverbial sh*t together, leave his wife, and then come see if you’re still interested.  If he never comes back, the only thing you’ve lost is a guy who will lie to you and who will eventually cheat on you in much the same way.

My psycho ex-girlfriend

It’s rare that you meet a guy that doesn’t have a “psycho ex-girlfriend” story.  He’ll regal you with how possessive she was, how she criticized his every move, and how she wasn’t supportive of his dreams.  You, in your head, immediately commit to not being *that girl* with him…because that’s how he’s going to fall in love with you, right?

Here’s the problem with the situation:  If she was such a psycho, why didn’t he see it earlier and get out?  Does he just have really bad judgment?  What was his part in her “psychosis” – did her drive her to behave in such a manner?  Or is it just a great story to gain sympathy and at the same time, communicate to females exactly the behavior that will “win” him? (Could he be striving for the “cool girl” who doesn’t bitch about his irresponsible behavior? Pay attention to the clues.)

I’m not saying that she wasn’t a psycho, maybe she was.  The point is, I don’t know her and neither do you.  The two things to remember here are 1) there are two sides to every story, and 2) if he talks about her like this, he’ll talk about you like this.

Direct from my desk – week 36

Every once in a while I’ll see something on television that is exactly why I write my blog.  Case-in-point, Jaclyn from Bachelor Pad 3 (don’t judge me! *lol*).  I’m not even going to touch that whole my-best-friend-is-dead-to-me-because-she-didn’t-hand-me-a-$250,000-win-on-a-reality-tv-show thing because that’s just beyond the pale.  No, I want to go back a bit further in the series.

Ed and Jaclyn.  Jaclyn gets paired up with Ed, whom she finds attractive.  He’s nice to her, perhaps even a little relationshippy in his interactions with her but he’s very honest when he tells her that he’s not interested and that they’re just friends.  Instead of hearing this, she get all excited that they’re going on a one-on-one date so that she can get to the bottom of how he feels about her.  On the date, he re-iterates that they’re just friends and that he doesn’t think of her that way.  She ignores this and presses him for some form of relationship status.  He brings out that he’s seeing someone at home and she’s still refusing to get the picture. Simply by virtue of him being kind to her, she wants to assume that they’re in some form of relationship even though he’s told her specifically that they’re not (at least in the way that guys-who-don’t-want-to-be-the-bad-guy get specific).

If a guy tells you that you are not his girlfriend, I don’t care if you’re hooking up with him – you are not his girlfriend.

I know that we tend to believe what we want to believe but when the facts are there in your face – accept them and move on.  Guys will act relationshippy because it makes life easier for them; it makes us happier and easier to handle.  Do not read into it.  Just because he cuddles for a few minutes after a booty call doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a booty call, it means that he was doing “maintenance” (more on that in another blog).

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Common law what?

So here’s a nasty little tidbit about living together – common law marriage.  You can find yourself inadvertently married if you live together for a specific period of time and present yourselves to the world as husband and wife.  This might have been handy  in the old days when perhaps it could be a while before a judge or preacher became geographically available but these days it’s a scary proposition.

Check the regulations in your area as laws can vary between states and provinces.  Some require as little as 6 months cohabitation (although the standard seems to be approximately two years).  Some jurisdictions require less time if a child is involved (although not as one of the partners – that’s a completely different type of marriage).  Be aware that the laws that protect marriage partners do not always extend to common-law partners.

Be careful how you refer to your partner.  If you jokingly refer to your live-in boyfriend as your husband (or domestic partner or old ball and chain or…well, you get the idea), you may be giving the rest of the world the idea that you are married.  Remember what I was saying about keeping your finances separate?  You might not want to list him as your next of kin on any medical, legal, financial, or insurance documents.  Saving a few bucks now can cost you big later.

If one of the partners moves to get the “marriage” officially recognized by the court system (warning – this can occur even after separation), then an official dissolution of marriage will be required before either partner can get married again.  Also, with a dissolution of marriage comes a division of assets.  Did you get it in writing?

Even if the marriage isn’t officially recognized, your ex-partner can make life very difficult if he wishes to. You may end up in the court system as he tries to assert his rights to your assets or even your paycheck.  Play it safe.  Know the laws in your area and be smart about protecting yourself.

Getting it in writing isn’t about penmanship

So here is a novel idea when it comes to your relationship – go to a lawyer and get a cohabitation contract drawn up.  I’m not talking about who does the dishes and who takes out the trash – if you can’t handle that without an attorney then you have bigger problems than the simple division of labor.

A cohabitation contract is to erase any doubt as to what happens in the event of a break-up.  Things that may be included:

  • An outline of who brought what into the relationship and the agreement that assets held prior to the contract remain with the person who brought them into the relationship.
  • How bank accounts are to be divided.
  • How property is to be divided and who gets to stay in the house.
  • How other financial assets are to be divided (investment accounts, retirement accounts, etc.)
  • How debt is to be divided and a timeline for repayment to creditors.
  • How are prized assets (think more sentimental value than financial value) are to be divided (this is where you would include your Nan’s china).
  • How gifts are to be divided (you’d be surprised how many couples fight over a microwave given by a parent).
  • Custody agreement of pets and/or children.
  • Fill-in-the-blank letters to companies outlining the division of assets/debts and requesting the removal of partner from the account.
  • Confidentiality agreement to protect the reputations of both parties.
  • Agreement to use mediation or arbitration to resolve any outstanding disputes.

Direct from my desk – week 30

Obviously if you’ve read my blog in the past week you realize that I’m against co-mingling of just about anything before marriage.  I may sound like a bit of a spoilsport but the statistics on successful relationships are not in your favor.  It sounds terrible, I know.  I don’t mean to sound like a Negative Nelly, I just want you to be realistic about your relationship.

A successful long-term relationship requires a lot of work, both in the beginning and continuing through the course of the involvement.  When we are in the throes of passion, the last thing in the world we’re thinking about is boring stuff like setting the foundation for a good future – we’re too busy being enthralled by our new love.  In the giddiness of a new relationship, things like finance and legalities seems to dim.  Unfortunately, if you break up – a big old spotlight is going to be shining on each and every poor choice you made at the inception of the relationship. (This includes not using protection before asking to see someone’s current health report!)

I’m not trying to stop you.  I’m trying to slow you down – if only just long enough to think about the long-term ramifications of your decisions.  A lease may not seem like a big deal until you move out and he doesn’t make the payments, affecting your credit for years.  Living together may not seem like a big deal until he does a favor for a friend, like hiding evidence of a crime, and you get arrested for being an accessory-after-the-fact.  Not everything will seem like such a big deal when it happens because you’re thinking that you’re going to be together forever.  However, what happens if you’re not?  What happens then?

My mailbox is open: