How to booty call a guy

If you have read my previous blogs on booty calls, then you’re well aware of my thoughts on them.  However, “how to booty call a guy” seems to be a key search term to find my blog so I might as well answer it.

In general, I’m against booty calls and I advocate taking a lover if you really aren’t looking for a relationship, you just want your itch scratched.  However, as a modern woman, I do realize that sometimes that itch does get quite, er, persistent.  So it’s best to have a game plan.

  1. Choose your target wisely.  You don’t want this to be a good friend (very very messy) or a guy you’d want a relationship with (you can’t change the dynamic once it’s established).  Obviously there needs to be some attraction but also a degree of safety, both in terms of health and security.  Remember, most guys will tell you what you want to hear rather than the cold, hard truth.
  2. Get his phone number.  You could email him but then you’ll spend a tense few hours waiting for him to respond while your head goes through any number of ludicrous theories as to why he hasn’t written back.  Oh, and most guys aren’t going to find it quite as creepy as girls do if you just happen to get their phone number from a friend, their social media page, or even a directory.
  3. Pick your time.  Are you scheduling your booty call?  It risks sounding like a date.  Are you dialing at midnight?  You risk him not being available.  Try to figure out what type of guy he is before determining when to approach it.  If you’re looking for an easy A, I recommend that you go for the studious type over the stud type, at least the first time out.
  4. Decide what you’re going to say.  This is not the time to stumble about verbally.  You want to be suave, not sweating.  Keep it short and direct without being vulgar.  If words fail you, you an always use the international code for booty call.  Ask the question, then wait for a response.  Do not fill in the silence with mindless prattle or your top ten list of why he should say yes.  He might be in shock, give him a chance to process it and formulate a response.
  5. If he rejects you, put on your big girl panties and suck it up.  For whatever reason, he’s not the guy.  Delete his number and move on.
  6. If he accepts (and it is shockingly easy to get a guy into bed – go figure), then you should have everything prepared ahead of time.  Have a good exit strategy and keep it vague (I have to work in the morning is pretty universal for you gotta go).  If you’re kind enough to let him stay overnight, I had a friend who used to prepare his booty calls breakfast, deliver it to them in bed, then tell them that their taxi would be there in about 30 minutes, prepaid of course.  What a gentleman!
  7. Afterward – do not be a clingy girl!  You slept with him.  He’s not your boyfriend.  He may or may not cuddle.  Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t call (in fact, keep the ball in your court – booty call him, do not allow him to booty call you!).  Instead, plan a girls night out to celebrate and share most, but not all, of the details…of how you did it.  Gosh, I would never instruct you to kiss and tell!

Dithering idiots

Okay ladies, this is going to sting.

So we’ve all been in that somewhat ambivalent relationship where we don’t know where the guy’s head is at.  He’ll tell you that he’s not ready to commit yet but you can’t see a really good reason (really good reasons include a family medical emergency, finishing school, etc.).  Let me break it down for you – he might be ready to commit but not to you.

If the right girl came along, he’d commit in a nanosecond.  However, you’re not that girl and under no circumstances will I advocate attempting to change yourself into *that girl* just to make him happy.  This isn’t about you though.  In all likelihood, you’ve done nothing wrong; you’re simply convenient for the moment, however long that moment lasts.

How do you differentiate the dithering idiot from the manchild?  The manchild refuses to grow up.  The dithering idiot is a already an adult who handles his responsibilities.  The manchild doesn’t realize the relationship has no future; the dithering idiot is fully aware that you’ll never be anything more than his ‘girlfriend.’

If you find yourself in this situation, recognize it, extricate yourself, and move on.  Don’t blame yourself for anything more than allowing him to waste your time, and go find a guy who deserves you.

Can’t we just be friends?

Oh isn’t it grand when you try to be friends with your ex?  It’s a lofty ideal but not exactly what you want to do.  There are a tenacious few who are willing to slog through valley of crap in order to get to the mountain of friendship but these people usually have kids or a business together.  Most couples simply aren’t meant to be friends after they break up.

I can give you a million reasons why you shouldn’t be friends with your ex but it boils down to your history with him.  Until you have some time and distance and can approach the friendship like a new relationship, you’re doomed to fail.  You will continue to treat him like you have some ownership in his life and he will continue to think that he can sleep with you at any point he desires.  And let’s face it, the reason we want to stay friends with our ex is to feel as though we exert some form of control over or voyeurism into their lives.  You can’t move into the future if you’re holding onto the past.

You’re better off with a clean break but if you insist….

  1. Take a break, a long break, from the friendship.
  2. Ask yourself why you want to be friends with him.  Make sure it’s for the right reasons.
  3. Approach him like a brand new person and get to know him all over again.
  4. Do not flirt or have sex with him.  Keep it strictly platonic.
  5. Have full disclosure with current and future boyfriends.

Direct from my desk – week 50

Ladies, if you’re going to engage in booty calls, do it on your terms!  Do not allow a man to dictate the who, the when, the where, and the what.  So if you want your itch to be scratched, make sure you’re the one in control.

  • Do not allow a man to booty call you.  If he attempts to, turn him down politely but tell him you’ll call him when you’re interested.
  • You decide which man you want (if he doesn’t want you, his loss). Never pick a man that you want a relationship with.
  • Be direct in your intentions so there’s no confusion.  If you’re shy about asking him to come over for sex, use the “or something” to let him know what’s on your mind.
  • Pick the place – don’t use your house unless you’re willing to kick him out afterward.  Men, pay particular attention to how you clean your house.  If we’re wondering how well you clean your bathroom floor, we’re wondering how well you’re cleaning yourself.
  • Remember, this is not a date, it’s sex, don’t get confused.  This man is not your beau or your confidante, he’s a tool to be used (sounds harsh but it will help you keep it straight).

Direct from my desk – week 48

Not surprisingly, booty calls are a popular search term for finding my blog.  Let me briefly address a few more related search terms that I’ve seen:

  • how to get from booty call to monogamous lover – The odds of this are so minute it is classified as a miracle if it happens.
  • what constitutes a booty call? – If the only time you see him is for sex, you’re a booty call.
  • on. going sleepovers with your booty call – He spends the night because he’s too lazy to drive home afterward.
  • how to leave a booty call – Refuse to see him or take his phone calls.
  • confronting a guy who booty calls – Don’t bother, he’s just going to lie anyhow.
  • how to tell if you’re a booty call to your boss – Is the relationship based on sex?
  • denying sex to a bootycall – Good girl!  Just know that he’s probably got a back-up sex friend.
  • a guy gets yur number and call you a month later – He has no idea what you look like but wants to know if you’ll have sex with him.
  • he wants to take a break from booty – He wants to sleep with someone else.
  • how to tell someone you won’t be their booty call – Just tell them.  They’ll try it again on occasion but be strong.
  • how not to be a booty call girl – Just don’t do it.
  • booty call from ex boyfriend – Still a booty call.
  • how to disconnect myself from a bootycall i really like – Face up to reality.  He wants sex, you want a relationship.  Your needs are not compatible.
  • what to do if a guy marked you as a booty call – Unmark yourself.  You wouldn’t let a dog mark you, would you?
  • is it bad to be a booty call if he has a girlfriend – Not only bad, incredibly bad.
  • booty call hormones falling in love – Read a book called The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa Crenshaw.
  • it hurts that i was just a bootycall – I sympathize with you but rip the bandaid off quickly and move on.

And a few from the guys that made me giggle (I hope they make you giggle too):

  • denying the girl a booty call – Novel approach, it just may work.
  • girl wont pick up booty call – Hopefully she’s reading my blog instead.
  • when woman don’t give in to a booty call – Aww, is self-esteem unattractive?
  • my booty call thinks shes my girl – That’s quite a pickle you’ve gotten yourself into.  No sympathy here.

Here’s the quick list of blogs I’ve written on the topic:

My mailbox is open:  girldontbestupid@gmail.com

Direct from my desk – week 36

Every once in a while I’ll see something on television that is exactly why I write my blog.  Case-in-point, Jaclyn from Bachelor Pad 3 (don’t judge me! *lol*).  I’m not even going to touch that whole my-best-friend-is-dead-to-me-because-she-didn’t-hand-me-a-$250,000-win-on-a-reality-tv-show thing because that’s just beyond the pale.  No, I want to go back a bit further in the series.

Ed and Jaclyn.  Jaclyn gets paired up with Ed, whom she finds attractive.  He’s nice to her, perhaps even a little relationshippy in his interactions with her but he’s very honest when he tells her that he’s not interested and that they’re just friends.  Instead of hearing this, she get all excited that they’re going on a one-on-one date so that she can get to the bottom of how he feels about her.  On the date, he re-iterates that they’re just friends and that he doesn’t think of her that way.  She ignores this and presses him for some form of relationship status.  He brings out that he’s seeing someone at home and she’s still refusing to get the picture. Simply by virtue of him being kind to her, she wants to assume that they’re in some form of relationship even though he’s told her specifically that they’re not (at least in the way that guys-who-don’t-want-to-be-the-bad-guy get specific).

If a guy tells you that you are not his girlfriend, I don’t care if you’re hooking up with him – you are not his girlfriend.

I know that we tend to believe what we want to believe but when the facts are there in your face – accept them and move on.  Guys will act relationshippy because it makes life easier for them; it makes us happier and easier to handle.  Do not read into it.  Just because he cuddles for a few minutes after a booty call doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a booty call, it means that he was doing “maintenance” (more on that in another blog).

My mailbox is open: girldontbestupid@gmail.com

How to host a sleepover

He’s coming to your place for a sleepover.  If he’s not a booty call then there are probably a million things racing through your head.  The first should be don’t panic.  Here’s a quick to-do list for the night:

  1. Clean your place.  It’s better to clean the whole thing so that you don’t look like you’re trying to hide a body when his hand is on your closet door and you scream, “Don’t look in there!”  If you can’t clean the entire place, do a surface clean in your kitchen and bathroom, tidy up the living room and at least put clean sheets on your bed (you want it to look inviting, not like he’s the second or third guy whose been there this week).
  2. Put away your personal stuff.  Don’t have a diary hanging out on nightstand for him to peruse when you’re taking your morning shower.  Ditch the collection of pictures of you with your exes.  You may be getting intimate but he doesn’t need to know everything about you just yet.
  3. Buy groceries.  At least have enough for toast and coffee in the morning.  You don’t want him to think that you’re squatting in an abandoned building.
  4. Buy condoms.  Never assume he’s bringing them.  Buy a nice container with lid for your nightstand and put them inside.  (If you’re a practical joker, buy one box of regular size and one box of jumbo.  Then open the jumbo box and take a few out while leaving the regular sized box intact.  When the moment comes, present him with both boxes.)
  5. Get yourself ready.  Shower, shave, paint but do not put on a lot of makeup (you’ll look rough in the morning) or a ton of scented products (they taste bad – really).
  6. Leave the shapewear in the drawer.  There is nothing sexy about grunting while trying to remove your panties.
  7. Be prepared to laugh off the little mishaps.  This isn’t going to be perfect.  In fact, you might want to invest in a first aid kit. (nudge nudge wink wink)

Just breathe

It’s not unheard of to reach an impasse in a relationship.  You’re not moving forward or backward, or you’re simply unable to see eye-to-eye on a major issue – it make be time for some breathing space.  A break, however small, requires rules:

  1. Make sure everyone is clear on the rules!  Stay calm – this is a negotiation.
  2. Determine if this is a break or a break-up.  Don’t soft-pedal or sugar-coat the situation.  Give your partner respect and be honest, he can handle it.
  3. Decide official status.  You don’t want to tell people it’s complicated when he’s telling everyone he’s single.
  4. Make a decision on dating/sex and where the boundaries are (this is both between you two and between each of you and another person).
  5. If your situation is more complex (you’re living together or have joint finances) write out the rules regarding division of labor, money, socializing.

It’s perfectly okay to “date” your partner while you’re trying to work through your problems.  However, if your partner is booty-calling you – this is a bad sign.  If the break is merely an excuse for either of you to try out other sexual partners, you may consider redefining your relationship (if this is acceptable) or leaving it (if this isn’t acceptable).

If the relationship is committed, married, or with children, you may try finding that talking things through with a counselor or clergy to be helpful.

Girl-for-right-now-friend

A girl-for-right-now-friend is defined by the Urban Dictionary as “A girlfriend that literally is for the “right now” benefit whether it be physical or other. It can also be a girlfriend because you are bored. This GF can also be a filler until you either get back with your ex-girlfriend or you end up with the girl you really want.”

It is a sad comment on our times that asking a guy if he has a girlfriend is not sufficient to get to the truth.  Increasingly a girl needs to ask, “Is there a girl who thinks she’s your girlfriend?”  Even then there is a chance that you won’t get the truth.  If he fesses up, give him props for his honesty.  While unpleasant it’s a good sign that he’s willing to tell you the truth.  If you suspect that he’s merely feeding you a line, skip him – it’s not going to be worth the hassle of trying to figure out when he’s lying and when he’s honest.  Btw, if he has to think about it, there’s your answer.

So while you want to avoid dating a guy who has a “filler”, you really want to avoid being that girl.  (Note:  friend-with-benefits is one thing – there is not expectation of a relationship, a filler girlfriend actually thinks she’s his girlfriend).  Again, if he’s unwilling to put a label on your relationship and introduce you to his friend as such – you might want to consider your options.  Like the saying goes, don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs.  (wish I could give credit but I’ve yet to find who to attribute the quote to, if you know please contact me)

Premeditated sex

Until now I’ve encouraged you to hold off on sex until the relationship has been established or to take a lover while you’re shopping for a boyfriend.  Now I’m going to encourage you to shake the cobwebs off the old girl but with some rules:

  1. Sex has to be premeditated.  You have to do it intentionally and with forethought.  No “it just happened.”  Shave your legs, bring a condom, and be a big girl.
  2. If he’s not your boyfriend, don’t act like he is.  Don’t stay the night.  Don’t expect to cuddle.  Don’t get attached.
  3. If it’s a new relationship, know what you’re getting yourself into.  Know what it means to you, know what it means to him.  Make a smart decision.
  4. Communicate what you like and what you don’t like.  You are responsible for teaching him how to satisfy you sexually.  He’s not a mind-reader – let him know how he’s doing (score card not needed).
  5. Do nothing you’re not comfortable with.  Waking up with regrets sucks.  You can add something later but you can’t un-ring a bell.