How to booty call a guy

If you have read my previous blogs on booty calls, then you’re well aware of my thoughts on them.  However, “how to booty call a guy” seems to be a key search term to find my blog so I might as well answer it.

In general, I’m against booty calls and I advocate taking a lover if you really aren’t looking for a relationship, you just want your itch scratched.  However, as a modern woman, I do realize that sometimes that itch does get quite, er, persistent.  So it’s best to have a game plan.

  1. Choose your target wisely.  You don’t want this to be a good friend (very very messy) or a guy you’d want a relationship with (you can’t change the dynamic once it’s established).  Obviously there needs to be some attraction but also a degree of safety, both in terms of health and security.  Remember, most guys will tell you what you want to hear rather than the cold, hard truth.
  2. Get his phone number.  You could email him but then you’ll spend a tense few hours waiting for him to respond while your head goes through any number of ludicrous theories as to why he hasn’t written back.  Oh, and most guys aren’t going to find it quite as creepy as girls do if you just happen to get their phone number from a friend, their social media page, or even a directory.
  3. Pick your time.  Are you scheduling your booty call?  It risks sounding like a date.  Are you dialing at midnight?  You risk him not being available.  Try to figure out what type of guy he is before determining when to approach it.  If you’re looking for an easy A, I recommend that you go for the studious type over the stud type, at least the first time out.
  4. Decide what you’re going to say.  This is not the time to stumble about verbally.  You want to be suave, not sweating.  Keep it short and direct without being vulgar.  If words fail you, you an always use the international code for booty call.  Ask the question, then wait for a response.  Do not fill in the silence with mindless prattle or your top ten list of why he should say yes.  He might be in shock, give him a chance to process it and formulate a response.
  5. If he rejects you, put on your big girl panties and suck it up.  For whatever reason, he’s not the guy.  Delete his number and move on.
  6. If he accepts (and it is shockingly easy to get a guy into bed – go figure), then you should have everything prepared ahead of time.  Have a good exit strategy and keep it vague (I have to work in the morning is pretty universal for you gotta go).  If you’re kind enough to let him stay overnight, I had a friend who used to prepare his booty calls breakfast, deliver it to them in bed, then tell them that their taxi would be there in about 30 minutes, prepaid of course.  What a gentleman!
  7. Afterward – do not be a clingy girl!  You slept with him.  He’s not your boyfriend.  He may or may not cuddle.  Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t call (in fact, keep the ball in your court – booty call him, do not allow him to booty call you!).  Instead, plan a girls night out to celebrate and share most, but not all, of the details…of how you did it.  Gosh, I would never instruct you to kiss and tell!

Direct from my desk – week 48

Not surprisingly, booty calls are a popular search term for finding my blog.  Let me briefly address a few more related search terms that I’ve seen:

  • how to get from booty call to monogamous lover – The odds of this are so minute it is classified as a miracle if it happens.
  • what constitutes a booty call? – If the only time you see him is for sex, you’re a booty call.
  • on. going sleepovers with your booty call – He spends the night because he’s too lazy to drive home afterward.
  • how to leave a booty call – Refuse to see him or take his phone calls.
  • confronting a guy who booty calls – Don’t bother, he’s just going to lie anyhow.
  • how to tell if you’re a booty call to your boss – Is the relationship based on sex?
  • denying sex to a bootycall – Good girl!  Just know that he’s probably got a back-up sex friend.
  • a guy gets yur number and call you a month later – He has no idea what you look like but wants to know if you’ll have sex with him.
  • he wants to take a break from booty – He wants to sleep with someone else.
  • how to tell someone you won’t be their booty call – Just tell them.  They’ll try it again on occasion but be strong.
  • how not to be a booty call girl – Just don’t do it.
  • booty call from ex boyfriend – Still a booty call.
  • how to disconnect myself from a bootycall i really like – Face up to reality.  He wants sex, you want a relationship.  Your needs are not compatible.
  • what to do if a guy marked you as a booty call – Unmark yourself.  You wouldn’t let a dog mark you, would you?
  • is it bad to be a booty call if he has a girlfriend – Not only bad, incredibly bad.
  • booty call hormones falling in love – Read a book called The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa Crenshaw.
  • it hurts that i was just a bootycall – I sympathize with you but rip the bandaid off quickly and move on.

And a few from the guys that made me giggle (I hope they make you giggle too):

  • denying the girl a booty call – Novel approach, it just may work.
  • girl wont pick up booty call – Hopefully she’s reading my blog instead.
  • when woman don’t give in to a booty call – Aww, is self-esteem unattractive?
  • my booty call thinks shes my girl – That’s quite a pickle you’ve gotten yourself into.  No sympathy here.

Here’s the quick list of blogs I’ve written on the topic:

My mailbox is open:  girldontbestupid@gmail.com

Direct from my desk – week 41

So what if you’re the one who cheats?

First and foremost, own what you did.  Even if you decide not to fess up to your partner (more on that in a minute), you certainly shouldn’t live in a state of denial.  You were in a relationship and no matter how bad or good it was, you weren’t faithful to your commitment.  It doesn’t make you a horrible person, it just means that your actions don’t always live up to your expectations.

Analyze why you did it.  Was it unhappiness?  boredom?  fear?  Put some time into figuring out why you did it and how you can fix it.  Cheating is rarely about your partner so you’ll need to find what it is about you that needs to be improved upon.

If you decide to tell your partner, pick your moment carefully.  Be calm.  Answer their questions.  Do not give details.  Understand their anger.  Suggest a way to get the relationship back on track but don’t expect that it will be accepted.  Realize that they will need to be healed from this experience and that it won’t be easy or pleasant.

If you decide not to tell your partner, consider why you’re in the relationship.  If you’re thinking that it was a one-time-thing, then make sure that it was.  If you prefer not to burden them with your mistake then you need to make sure that they’re never going to find out.  Think long and hard about it before you take this course of action; honesty is long regarded as an essential component of any successful relationship.

Lastly, forgive yourself.  Neither you nor your relationship can move forward if you’re clinging to that past.

My mailbox is open:  girldontbestupid@gmail.com

Cheating, not just for income taxes anymore

Unfortunately, a person isn’t always forthright about their cheating.  This then requires that the person be confronted (or not).  If you choose to confront, do so in a controlled manner.  If you choose not to confront be aware that your options are limited to leaving or living with it.

Remember, men never like to be the “bad guy” so don’t expect that it will be an easy conversation.  Even when asked a direct question, he may be evasive or even lie because you “didn’t ask the right question.”  So take a few moments ahead of time to do your homework.

You know your partner better than most people.  Determine your approach by considering his possible reactions.  Are your suspicions justified?  What tone would best elicit the truth?  What questions would get him to open up?  What words would upset him and cause him to clam up?  I realize that it may seem a bit counter-intuitive to think about how he may react when you’re the one who with the suspicions but if you want to get him to admit the truth, perceptive questions will work better than loud accusations.

When you’re ready for the confrontation, make your preparations carefully.  Choose a calm time, preferably after you’ve had something to eat (low blood sugar will not help matters), and ask your partner for a few minutes.  Keep your voice calm and as unemotional as you can.  Ask your questions and listen to the responses.  Trust your gut instinct and watch his body language.  Is he being evasive? Be gentle with your prodding, the ultimate goal is getting an answer to your questions, not to get your pound of flesh.

Do not ask for details, just get to the truth.  You can not progress in the relationship if you’re both living under a cloud of suspicion.  The bigger question is what will you do now that you have your answer?

It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission

Being cheated on is similar to living through an earthquake – the one thing you thought was solid turned out to be shaky ground.  Cheating encompasses so much more than just the physical act of sex.  It’s a devastating cocktail of lying, humiliation, and righteous anger.  Unfortunately, it’s also not that uncommon.

As the old adage goes, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.  Wouldn’t you rather they ask permission?  Then at least you have the option of giving permission or leaving the relationship.  You might suggest this to your partner but don’t expect them to stop in the moment and ring your cellphone to ask if it’s okay.

How should you react when your partner confesses to cheating?  You have every right to be angry and you shouldn’t deny yourself that.  There will be a split-second where you will need to decide if you want to save the relationship or be rid of him – that moment will dictate your near-term and long-term future.  Either way:

  1. Do not ask for details.  They will only haunt you and drive you insane.
  2. Ask where his relationship with the other person stands at the moment.
  3. Ask what resolution they would like to see occur.
  4. Despite the rollercoaster that you’re on, maintain your calm and do not make any rash decisions.
  5. Talk to a trusted friend or counselor to help you gain perspective on the situation.

Let me swing among those stars

Rare is the person who has not “window shopped” while in a relationship.  Many people live by the maxim, you can look at the menu but you can’t eat a meal.  Others, however, take an entirely different view.

Swinging, open relationships, and some forms of non-monogamy are examples of relationships where sexual fidelity is not a defining nor a guiding principle.  People engage in these relationship for a variety of reasons including distance (military, internet romances, etc.), differences in sexual appetite or ability, and, more often than not, sexual pleasure.  While it may appear as a free-for-all from the outside, the relationships generally have rules and structure.

Should your partner approach you on this subject, know that this is one of those things, along with pregnancy and death, that you can’t be kinda into.  If you are truly not interested in it (and you will know if you are or if you are not simply by your reaction to the topic), do not get talked into it, either by your partner or by yourself. There are some things that can not be undone and this is one of them.

On the other hand, if you think, this sounds like a great idea! Then set up boundaries to navigate what could be choppy waters.

  • Is it a together-only activity or can you interact with sexual partners without the knowledge or consent of the other?
  • Are certain people strictly off-limits? (co-workers, ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, family members)
  • Are the relationships strictly sexual or will secondary relationships exist?
  • How much time and energy will be devoted to extra-marital activities?
  • How will jealousy and possessiveness be handled?
  • If one person wants to “close” the relationship, what happens?

Then keep the lines of communication open and have frequent check-ins to ensure that both partners are content within the primary relationship.

The sexual orientation continuum

Where are you on the Kinsey scale?  Relatively few people are 100% homosexual or heterosexual, they lay somewhere on the sexual orientation continuum.  So it shouldn’t come as a surprise if your partner confesses to a same sex interest of some sort (anything from he’s a good-looking man to he’s an ex-boyfriend).

How do you handle your partner’s revelation?  Take a moment to catch your breath.  You will probably have a million questions but don’t ask for details, instead, ask these:

  • Was it situational sexual behavior? (girls kissing in a bar to get a guy’s attention, sex tourism, etc.)
  • Is this an on-going interest? (bisexuality, homosexuality)
  • How does this impact our relationship?

Being less than 100% heterosexual or homosexual does not make one less than, it is simply a measurement of their sexual orientation.  However, it is also not a free pass to engage in sexual behavior outside your relationship (bisexual doesn’t mean you get both a boyfriend and a girlfriend unless they both agree to a polyamorous relationship).  If you have agreed on a monogamous relationship, they should adhere to that regardless of their sexual orientation.  Cheating with a man is still cheating.

Should you have a long-standing relationship and your partner is delayed in accepting or acknowledging their sexual orientation, you have some hard decisions to make.  Would both of you want to continue the primary relationship with an agreement regarding secondary relationships?  Would a negotiated closure contract be beneficial to both of you?

I feel pretty, oh so pretty

Cross-dressing can be a fetish but there is a portion of cross-dressers who prefer to call it a lifestyle.  So if you meet a man who likes to cross-dress, you’ll need to ask how deep his interest is before you know how to proceed.

  • A fetishist likes to cross-dress for the sexual aspect.  They get turned on by it in the moment but don’t incorporate it into their daily lives.
  • A lifestyler includes cross-dressing into their near-daily life, perhaps something under their street clothes or when they get home from work.  It isn’t entirely sexual, it’s about comfort.
  • Transvestites, transgender, or drag queens are not covered in this blog because if you’re getting involved with one, you usually know what you’re getting into.

Traditionally, cross-dressers are heterosexual persons who enjoy wearing clothing generally associated with the opposite gender.  So if you find that your partner is into cross-dressing, don’t panic – start a dialogue asking for the basic information (who, what, why, when, where, how) and do your best to understand your partner’s point of view.  Then you need to decide if it’s something you can live with.

If you can live with it, set down some rules about when it may happen, wardrobe acquisitions (i.e., nothing can be acquired from your closet), budget considerations, etc.  If you grow to enjoy it, you may even want to take him shopping but don’t worry if you never get to that point.

If it isn’t something you can live with, be honest with each other.

It’s just a little fetish

As you expand your sexual repertoire, you may run across a fetishist or two.  So what exactly is a fetish and how can it affect your life?  The dictionary will tell you that a fetish is an extreme devotion to a traditionally non-sexual object.  This may be a body part, such as feet, or an inanimate object, like gloves.  It might also be a particular action or trait, like having a fetish for being tied up.

Fetishes can be fun to a certain degree (what girl doesn’t love shoe shopping?) and you should certainly be patient with your partner if they discover one.  If you’re comfortable with it, explore it with your partner.  If you’re uncomfortable with his fetish, seek counseling to mediate a solution.  It’s better to attempt to engage your partner’s fetish on some level than for him to feel as though he can’t express it around you – if the fetish is strong enough, he may seek out other avenues to indulge it.

There can come a point when a fetish can be destructive.  If the fetish is more important than the person  you’re engaging in it with, it’s a problem.  If the fetish is kept a secret, it’s a problem.  If the fetish is acted upon outside the relationship without permission from the primary partner, it’s a problem.  If the fetish is illegal, it’s a problem.  Any time a fetish is driving a wedge between yourself and your partner, professional counseling should be sought out to resolve any issues and to maintain the stability of the relationship.

A little slap and tickle

When one thinks of S&M, invariably the image conjured up includes black leather, a flogger, and someone looking incredibly pissed off.  The truth of it is, if you’ve ever played with food products during sex or tied a lover up, you’ve indulged in, *gasp* kinky sex.

There is nothing wrong with a bit of slap and tickle, as long as it’s consensual.  (If it’s not consensual – get out immediately.)  So how do you start?

  1. Talk to your partner ahead of time.  While some guys may think it’s cool to come home to find you in skin-tight leather with a mad hankering to paddle him, there’s a good chance that he may not.  Communication is key.  Talk to him about what you want to do (or what you want done to you) and exactly how far you want it to go.  Remember, it’s better to leave a bit more to be discovered than to go too far.  You can’t unring a bell.
  2. Once you have an idea of what you want to do, make an outline (no seriously – who wants to be naked, tied up, and their partner is standing there wondering what to do next).   Figure out what you want to wear and what you want to do when (first tease, then spank, last sex).  If there is a technique that you are unfamiliar with – learn it.  There are books and seminars to teach you what you want to know.  Then practice, practice, practice.
  3. Consider safety!  Use a safeword (safeword = word the submissive partner uses to stop the action).  Get trained in CPR/First Aid.  Keep safety gear within easy reach (i.e., if you’re tying someone up, make sure you have scissors to cut the rope quickly).  Be realistic about your plans (like if your partner has a history of heart/lung ailments, perhaps the hog tie is not the best option).
  4. Expect reality to be different from your plan.  You may think, one thousand lashes, but can your partner really handle it?  can your arm handle it?  Mistakes will happen.  Bruises will happen.  Some things won’t be nearly as cool as you had intended.  You need to forgive, be forgiven, and move forward.
  5. Mostly, have fun because if it isn’t fun, why are you doing it?