How to booty call a guy

If you have read my previous blogs on booty calls, then you’re well aware of my thoughts on them.  However, “how to booty call a guy” seems to be a key search term to find my blog so I might as well answer it.

In general, I’m against booty calls and I advocate taking a lover if you really aren’t looking for a relationship, you just want your itch scratched.  However, as a modern woman, I do realize that sometimes that itch does get quite, er, persistent.  So it’s best to have a game plan.

  1. Choose your target wisely.  You don’t want this to be a good friend (very very messy) or a guy you’d want a relationship with (you can’t change the dynamic once it’s established).  Obviously there needs to be some attraction but also a degree of safety, both in terms of health and security.  Remember, most guys will tell you what you want to hear rather than the cold, hard truth.
  2. Get his phone number.  You could email him but then you’ll spend a tense few hours waiting for him to respond while your head goes through any number of ludicrous theories as to why he hasn’t written back.  Oh, and most guys aren’t going to find it quite as creepy as girls do if you just happen to get their phone number from a friend, their social media page, or even a directory.
  3. Pick your time.  Are you scheduling your booty call?  It risks sounding like a date.  Are you dialing at midnight?  You risk him not being available.  Try to figure out what type of guy he is before determining when to approach it.  If you’re looking for an easy A, I recommend that you go for the studious type over the stud type, at least the first time out.
  4. Decide what you’re going to say.  This is not the time to stumble about verbally.  You want to be suave, not sweating.  Keep it short and direct without being vulgar.  If words fail you, you an always use the international code for booty call.  Ask the question, then wait for a response.  Do not fill in the silence with mindless prattle or your top ten list of why he should say yes.  He might be in shock, give him a chance to process it and formulate a response.
  5. If he rejects you, put on your big girl panties and suck it up.  For whatever reason, he’s not the guy.  Delete his number and move on.
  6. If he accepts (and it is shockingly easy to get a guy into bed – go figure), then you should have everything prepared ahead of time.  Have a good exit strategy and keep it vague (I have to work in the morning is pretty universal for you gotta go).  If you’re kind enough to let him stay overnight, I had a friend who used to prepare his booty calls breakfast, deliver it to them in bed, then tell them that their taxi would be there in about 30 minutes, prepaid of course.  What a gentleman!
  7. Afterward – do not be a clingy girl!  You slept with him.  He’s not your boyfriend.  He may or may not cuddle.  Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t call (in fact, keep the ball in your court – booty call him, do not allow him to booty call you!).  Instead, plan a girls night out to celebrate and share most, but not all, of the details…of how you did it.  Gosh, I would never instruct you to kiss and tell!
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Dithering idiots

Okay ladies, this is going to sting.

So we’ve all been in that somewhat ambivalent relationship where we don’t know where the guy’s head is at.  He’ll tell you that he’s not ready to commit yet but you can’t see a really good reason (really good reasons include a family medical emergency, finishing school, etc.).  Let me break it down for you – he might be ready to commit but not to you.

If the right girl came along, he’d commit in a nanosecond.  However, you’re not that girl and under no circumstances will I advocate attempting to change yourself into *that girl* just to make him happy.  This isn’t about you though.  In all likelihood, you’ve done nothing wrong; you’re simply convenient for the moment, however long that moment lasts.

How do you differentiate the dithering idiot from the manchild?  The manchild refuses to grow up.  The dithering idiot is a already an adult who handles his responsibilities.  The manchild doesn’t realize the relationship has no future; the dithering idiot is fully aware that you’ll never be anything more than his ‘girlfriend.’

If you find yourself in this situation, recognize it, extricate yourself, and move on.  Don’t blame yourself for anything more than allowing him to waste your time, and go find a guy who deserves you.

Why are my panties so damn tiny if you showed up commando?

Women will endure a lot of torture in order to look like what we think men want.  We pluck ourselves nearly hairless (yes, even *there*), we wear dreadfully uncomfortable clothes, and we buy stuff called camouflage makeup.  Invariably, however, you open the door and the guy is standing there in jeans, a semi-wrinkled shirt and a leer that says “I’m not wearing boxers.”

How did we get ourselves into this position?  We did it to ourselves.  We bought into this media image that we have to look like a pornstar in order to attract a mate.  I’m not saying that we should give up bathing and embrace a new hirsute vegan lifestyle, but we should certainly attempt to cultivate a sustainable sense of personal style that can be maintained.

So toss out those girl magazines that try to dictate everything from your hairstyle to your underwear.  Be the best that you can be but make sure it’s you deciding what that is.  And if you meet a guy who thinks the length of your pubic hair should be a deciding factor in the relationship – go find a better class of men, they are out there.

Uncomplicated

Uncomplicated is one of those words that makes me cringe when I hear it dripping off a guy’s lips.  He’s intending it as a compliment but it really isn’t and I’ll tell you why….If your relationship is uncomplicated, then one of you isn’t being authentic and most likely, it’s you.

You know what a synonym for uncomplicated is?  Easy.  I’m not saying that your job in a relationship is to make his life difficult but you can be too accommodating, too understanding, too afraid to rock the boat.  Sure you want to put your best foot forward but make sure you’re being your true self.  Don’t create an image of yourself for him to fall in love with because it’s unsustainable.  Don’t be so intent on winning the guy that you lose yourself.

Some guys (not all guys – there are good guys out there) will use this word as a behavior modifier.  It’s a bit of a veiled threat – keep the relationship simple and the relationship continues; make the relationship complicated and the relationship ends.  It’s manipulation.  If you’re involved with one of these guys – run and don’t look back!

So if you’re with a guy who suddenly comes up with this little gem – ask him what it means and listen to his response with your brain, not your heart…because a guy who wants an undemanding relationship doesn’t want all the marvelous complications that real life holds.

I’m going to leave her just as soon as…

File this under “lies married men tell.”  I can hear you gnashing your teeth as I type!  One of the biggest is that he’s going to leave his wife once x, y, or z occurs.  It’s usually anything from his ship coming in to the kids leaving the nest.  The simple fact of the matter is, if he was going to leave her he would have already.

Why say it?  Because if he were to tell you that he’s perfectly satisfied in his situation as it stands and what he’s interested in is sex on the side, you’d run a mile.  “But there are girls out there who will give them sex,” I can hear you say.  Yes but most men like a bit of a challenge, and a woman who believes they’re in a relationship is less likely to out him to his wife.

So why does it work?  Hope.  You want to believe him.  You want to believe that you’re not the other woman.  You want to believe that there is some unseen force that prevents him from divorcing his wife and being with you.  Unfortunately, you’re lying to yourself as much as he’s lying to you.

Tell him to get his proverbial sh*t together, leave his wife, and then come see if you’re still interested.  If he never comes back, the only thing you’ve lost is a guy who will lie to you and who will eventually cheat on you in much the same way.

Nobody gets me like you do

Certainly there can not be a girl that hasn’t heard this line or a guy who hasn’t uttered it.  Unfortunately, it’s complete bullshit.  It’s a line designed to flatter your ego and ease their way into your panties.  It is a very effective means to an end.

The line works because it makes you feel special; as though you are the only person in the world with this magical connection to this other person.  It attempts to establish an immediate familiarity, a fast forward button to intimacy.  It turns that guy you barely know into “the one.”  I’m not saying that people don’t connect in unique ways, they most certainly do and you will connect with lots of people over your lifetime.

When a guy is throwing down a line like this too quickly, you would be correct to feel suspicious, not closer to him.  Consider his intentions for saying it.  He may want sex (okay, they *all* want sex) but he might also be a love junkie (addicted to the high that comes with the flirt and not in it for the long-term, even if he’s unaware of his status himself).

So don’t confuse that rush of hormones with knowledge of or experience with the other person.  Make sure you know them, not just their lines.

My psycho ex-girlfriend

It’s rare that you meet a guy that doesn’t have a “psycho ex-girlfriend” story.  He’ll regal you with how possessive she was, how she criticized his every move, and how she wasn’t supportive of his dreams.  You, in your head, immediately commit to not being *that girl* with him…because that’s how he’s going to fall in love with you, right?

Here’s the problem with the situation:  If she was such a psycho, why didn’t he see it earlier and get out?  Does he just have really bad judgment?  What was his part in her “psychosis” – did her drive her to behave in such a manner?  Or is it just a great story to gain sympathy and at the same time, communicate to females exactly the behavior that will “win” him? (Could he be striving for the “cool girl” who doesn’t bitch about his irresponsible behavior? Pay attention to the clues.)

I’m not saying that she wasn’t a psycho, maybe she was.  The point is, I don’t know her and neither do you.  The two things to remember here are 1) there are two sides to every story, and 2) if he talks about her like this, he’ll talk about you like this.

Are you on the right team?

Much of the time we’re so busy living our daily lives that we forget to ask ourselves if we’re being treated the way we deserve to be treated.  Fully believing that you get what you give, are you treating your partner the way that they deserve to be treated?

Don’t get so caught up in the minutiae of your day-to-day life that you forget to ask yourself some hard questions like, is this really the right relationship for me? Do I feel supported in this relationship?  Are my needs getting met in this relationship and if not, is that likely to change in the future?  Is my partner happy and fulfilled in this relationship?  What are my responsibilities toward improving this relationship and am I willing to commit to those responsibilities?

Every relationship will ebb and flow (if it doesn’t then one of you is not being honest).  Knowing when to stick it out and when to call it quits can be challenging but everyone should give 100% until the game is called.  Difficult times will build character and unity so the benefit of strife should not be discounted.  On the other hand, one can not live their entire life without some sunshine warming their skin.  Remember, you are not a victim in this relationship – you are choosing to be there.

Direct from my desk – week 36

Every once in a while I’ll see something on television that is exactly why I write my blog.  Case-in-point, Jaclyn from Bachelor Pad 3 (don’t judge me! *lol*).  I’m not even going to touch that whole my-best-friend-is-dead-to-me-because-she-didn’t-hand-me-a-$250,000-win-on-a-reality-tv-show thing because that’s just beyond the pale.  No, I want to go back a bit further in the series.

Ed and Jaclyn.  Jaclyn gets paired up with Ed, whom she finds attractive.  He’s nice to her, perhaps even a little relationshippy in his interactions with her but he’s very honest when he tells her that he’s not interested and that they’re just friends.  Instead of hearing this, she get all excited that they’re going on a one-on-one date so that she can get to the bottom of how he feels about her.  On the date, he re-iterates that they’re just friends and that he doesn’t think of her that way.  She ignores this and presses him for some form of relationship status.  He brings out that he’s seeing someone at home and she’s still refusing to get the picture. Simply by virtue of him being kind to her, she wants to assume that they’re in some form of relationship even though he’s told her specifically that they’re not (at least in the way that guys-who-don’t-want-to-be-the-bad-guy get specific).

If a guy tells you that you are not his girlfriend, I don’t care if you’re hooking up with him – you are not his girlfriend.

I know that we tend to believe what we want to believe but when the facts are there in your face – accept them and move on.  Guys will act relationshippy because it makes life easier for them; it makes us happier and easier to handle.  Do not read into it.  Just because he cuddles for a few minutes after a booty call doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a booty call, it means that he was doing “maintenance” (more on that in another blog).

My mailbox is open: girldontbestupid@gmail.com

Getting comfortable with confrontation

Women grow up with lots of social rules (some good, some bad) and one of our biggest is to back-peddle at the first sign of confrontation.  Confrontation has been placed in our heads as the big scary monster but honestly, we don’t need to fear confrontation, we need to learn how to manage it.  Think of confrontation as your friend – without it, nothing will change.

The first rule to being comfortable with confrontation is to have it on  your own terms.  Pick the time and place to your greatest advantage.  The second rule is to do your homework.  Never approach a confrontation without knowing your position, your opponent’s position, and having thought through the various potential twists.  The last rule is to keep your cool.  The moment you lose your composure, you lose the confrontation.  Do not get angry or emotional – let your rational words and preparation take center stage and you can’t lose.